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A Little Irish Humor
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run
over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face
is cut and bruised, and he's
walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean,
the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a
fight," says Paddy.
"That little twerp, O'Conner?" says
Sean. "He couldn't
do that to you; he must have had
something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy. "a
shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me
with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your
hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs.
O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
==================================
An Irishman who had a little too
much to drink
is driving home from the city one
night and, of course,
his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says
the cop to
the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of
course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks
like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says
with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his
chest, "that a few
intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."
====================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making
dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her
door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin'
to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin'
ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the
Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me!"
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looks up at Tim. "How
did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell
into a vat of Guinness
Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must
tell me true,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is,
he got
out three times to pee."
=====================================
A drunk staggers into a Catholic
Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits
down,
but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to
get his attention
but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
knockin.
There's no paper on this side
either."
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