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A NON-PERSON

 

 

 

 

NOW I'M A NON-PERSON.  I DON'T WANT TO BE!  IT WASN'T MY CHOICE, BUT I'VE BEEN REGULATED TO THAT STATUS BY SOMEONE ELSE.  ANYWAY, I'M NOT GOING TO JUST ROLL OVER AND ACCEPT IT.  I'M JUST NOT BUILT THAT WAY.  LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

 

I BELONG TO THE ARLINGTON SPORTSMAN'S CLUB AND HAVE FOR ALMOST 30 YEARS.  OUR CLUB JUST RECENTLY INSTALLED AN ELECTRONIC GATE.  YOU HAVE TO HAVE A KEY CARD TO OPEN THE GATE AND ENTER THE CLUB PROPERTY.  TO GET YOUR KEY CARD YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE CLUB MONTHLY MEETING.

 

NOW THE MEETING IS HELD IN THE EVENING AND THAT MEANS AFTER DARK.  WITH MY BAD EYESIGHT I DON'T DRIVE AFTER DARK ANYMORE, SO I CALLED THE MEMBERSHIP SECRETARY, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ISSUING THE KEY CARDS, AND ASKED HER IF I COULD GET MY CARD MAILED TO ME.  SHE SAID I COULD IF I WOULD MAIL HER A SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE WITH FORTY-NINE CENTS POSTAGE ON IT.  I PUT TWO THIRTY-SEVEN CENT STAMPS ON THE ENVELOPE JUST TO BE SAFE.  NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.  I PUT TWO THIRTY-SEVEN CENT STAMPS ON IT BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF STAMPS I HAD.

 

OK.  PROBLEM SOLVED.  NOT SO FAST.  DO YOU KNOW THAT OLD RULE ABOUT IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT SURELY WILL?  WELL IT DID!  I WAITED FOR MY KEY CARD AND I WAITED AND I WAITED.  FINALLY AFTER A MONTH, MY SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE WITH TWO THIRTY-SEVEN CENT STAMPS ON IT SHOWED UP IN MY MAILBOX.

 

BOY, I THOUGH, IT SURE DID TAKE HER A LONG TIME TO MAIL ME MY KEY CARD.  NOW I CAN GET INTO THE CLUB PROPERTY.  BUT WHEN I OPENED THE ENVELOPE, ALL IT HAD IN IT WAS A NOTE THAT SAID;

I CAN FIND NO RECORD THAT YOU ARE A DUES PAYING MEMBER OF THIS CLUB.  FOR THIS I PAID SEVENTY-FOUR CENTS IN STAMPS!

 

WELL I SNATCHED UP THE PHONE AND DIALED THE MEMBERSHIP SECRETARY'S NUMBER.  WHEN SHE ANSWERED I YELLED,

 

"WHO ARE YOU TO SAY I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE ARLINGTON SPORTSMAN'S CLUB?"  SHE HUNG UP!  OK, SO MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE EXCITED.

 

I DIALED HER NUMBER AGAIN AND WHEN SHE ANSWERED I SAID,

 

"HI, THIS IS LOREN AND I JUST GOT YOUR NOTE THAT SAID I'M NOT A MEMBER OF THE ARLINGTON SPORTSMAN'S CLUB." 

 

" LOREN WHO?" SHE WANTED TO KNOW.  "OH, I'M SORRY, LOREN MOORE.  I SENT A SELF ADDRESSED ENVELOPE TO HAVE MY KEY CARD MAILED TO ME."  SHE TOLD ME TO HOLD ON FOR A MINUTE SO SHE COULD GET OVER TO HER DESK WHERE HER MEMBERSHIP RECORDS WERE..

 

WELL I WAITED AGAIN, SEEMS LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THAT LATELY.  WHEN SHE PICKED UP THE PHONE AGAIN, SHE SAID HAD CHECKED HER DUES LIST AND COULDN'T FIND MY NAME.  SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I PAID MY DUES. 

 

"WELL THE LAST YEAR I PAID DUES WAS 1980." 

 

"WELL" SHE SAID "THAT MEANS YOU ARE NO LONGER A MEMBER OF THIS CLUB."

 

"NO, WAIT.  DON'T HANG UP. LET ME EXPLAIN.  YOU SEE I WAS PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB IN 1980 AND PAST PRESIDENTS ARE GIVEN A LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP IN THE CLUB WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY DUES." 

 

"WELL MR. MOORE, I'VE ONLY BEEN IN THE CLUB SINCE 2000 AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.  I WAS TOLD NOT TO ISSUE ANYONE A KEY CARD UNLESS THEIR DUES WERE PAID UP TO DATE.  AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED THAT MEANS UNLESS YOUR NAME IS ON MY DUES LIST YOU DON'T GET A KEY CARD."

 

THAT'S WHEN I CAME UNGLUED   I SAID,

 

"LADY, (I SAID LADY TO KEEP FROM SAYING SOMETHING WORSE) LADY I JOINED THIS CLUB IN 1975.  I WAS ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR SEVERAL YEARS.  I WAS VOTED SPORTSMAN OF THE YEAR IN 1979.  I WAS PRESIDENT IN 1980.  AT PRESENT I'M THE CLUB HISTORIAN.  MY NAME AND TELEPHONE NUMBER IS ON THE BACK OF OUR MONTHLY NEWS LETTER.  I'M SITTING HERE IN MY OFFICE NOW AND THE WALLS ARE COVERED WITH SPORTSMAN OF THE MONTH PLAQUES.  THERE ARE DOZENS OF TROPHIES FOR SKEET, RIFLE AND PISTOL MATCHES.  THERE ARE TROPHIES I WON IN OUR BIG GAME HUNTING AND FISHING CONTEST.   NOW YOUR TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO ISSUE ME A KEY CARD TO GET INTO MY CLUB PROPERTY.  EVEN THOUGH I OWN A SHARE OF THAT PROPERTY?  LADY, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A KEY CARD?" 

 

SHE SAID, "PAY YOUR DUES." 

 

THIS TIME I HUNG UP.  I COULD SEE THAT THIS MINOR BUREAUCRAT WAS NOT THE ONE TO DEAL WITH TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM.  I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE CLUB.  WHEN HE ANSWERED, I SAID,

 

"I NEED YOUR HELP." 

 

"WHO IS THIS?" HE WANTED TO KNOW. 

 

"THIS IS NON-PERSON LOREN MOORE."

 

HE LAUGHED AND ASKED WHAT HE COULD DO TO HELP ME.  I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY CONVERSATION WITH THE MEMBERSHIP SECRETARY AND HE LAUGHED SO HARD THAT HE DROPPED THE PHONE. 

 

"YOU'LL BE LAUGHING OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF YOUR FACE ONE OF THESE DAYS WHEN IT HAPPENS TO YOU BECAUSE YOU NO LONGER PAY DUES." 

 

"OK" HE SAID, "I'LL SEE THAT YOU GET YOUR KEY CARD.  BUT YOU HAVE TO SEND A SELF ADDRESSED ENVELOPE WITH FORTY-NINE CENTS POSTAGE ON IT TO THE MEMBERSHIP SECRETARY FOR HER TO MAIL YOU YOUR CARD." 

 

WHAT I TOLD HIM IS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.  AN "X" RATED STORY.

 

 

  BY LOREN MOORE

COPYRIGHT 2003

LOREN

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