ED
WARD-GAME WARDEN
“LOOK OUT” PAT HOLLERED
AS THE BIG LOG STARTED FALLING TOWARD US. PAT PUSHED ME OUT OF THE
WAY JUST IN TIME TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING CRUSHED BY A LARGE LOG THAT
HAD BEEN SET UP ON IT’S END. “THAT WAS A DEAD FALL TRAP THAT OLD
WYATT SET ON THIS TRAIL TO KEEP PEOPLE AWAY FROM HIS STILL.” PAT
KNEW WYATT PRETTY WELL. AFTER ALL HE HAD BEEN CHASING HIM FOR ONE
THING OR ANOTHER FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS.
PAT AND I WERE GAME
WARDENS FOR THE STATE OF TEXAS. WE HAD WORKED TOGETHER FOR THE LAST
TEN YEARS AND HAD BECOME GOOD FRIENDS. WE WERE ASSIGNED TO EAST
TEXAS AROUND CADDO LAKE. PAT AND I AND HIS BLACK LAB, BUCK, HAD GOT
A TIP THAT AN OLD CODGER NAMED WYATT WAS RUNNING A STILL IN THE BACK
WOODS ON THE SWAMPY END OF CADDO LAKE, AND WERE TRYING TO FIND IT.
BUCK WAS ONE OF THE SMARTEST DOGS I HAVE EVER SEEN. HE CAN SMELL A
STILL FROM A MILE AWAY. I GUESS HE LIKES THE SMELL OF SOUR MASH. I
KNOW HE LIKES THE TASTE OF MOON SHINE BECAUSE IN THE PAST WHEN WE
WOULD FIND A STILL AND BREAK IT UP AND POUR EVERYTHING OUT ON THE
GROUND HE WOULD LAP UP AS MUCH AS HE COULD BEFORE IT SOAKED INTO THE
GROUND.
NOW LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WYATT. HE’S AN OLD CODGER THAT HAS LIVED
AROUND CADDO LAKE ALL HIS LIFE. AS FAR AS I KNOW HE HAS NEVER HAD A
JOB IN HIS LIFE. HE MAKES HIS LIVING BY SELLING MOONSHINE, TRAPPING
AND SELLING FISH, GUIDING HUNTERS AROUND CADDO LAKE DURING DUCK
SEASON AND A NUMBER OF OTHER THINGS THAT DON’T REQUIRE PHYSICAL
LABOR. DURING THE FALL AND WINTER HE TRAPS FUR ANIMALS AND SELLS
THEIR HIDES. HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN BUYING A LICENSE FOR ANY OF HIS
ACTIVITIES. SO HE HAS TO DO THEM ON THE SHY. HIS MOON SHINE
ACTIVITY DOESN’T TECHNICALLY FALL UNDER OUR RESPONSIBILITY AS GAME
WARDENS BUT IN THE COURSE OF TRYING TO CATCH HIM VIOLATING GAME LAWS
WE RAN INTO THIS ACTIVITY. AS LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS IT IS OUR
DUTY TO STOP THIS ILLEGAL UNDER TAKING.
WELL WE STAYED ON THIS
TRAIL UNTIL BUCK STOPPED AND LOOKED OUT INTO THE SWAMP. THEN HE
STARTED WADING INTO THE WATER TOWARD A THICK BUNCH OF CYPRESS
TREES. “WHAT’S HE DOING?’ I ASKED PAT. “HE SMELLS SOMETHING AND I
BET IT’S THAT STILL.” WAS HIS ANSWER. WE STARTED WADING AFTER BUCK
AND WHEN WE GOT TO THE CYPRESS TREES WE COULD SEE A PLATFORM BUILT
IN THE TREES ABOVE THE WATER. ON THIS PLATFORM WAS A STILL. BUT
NOTHING WAS BEING COOKED RIGHT THEN. WE STEPPED UP ON THE PLATFORM
AND FOUND 12 GALLON JUGS FULL OF MOONSHINE WHISKEY. “WELL WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO NOW? WE CAN’T PROVE THE STILL BELONGS TO WYATT, EVEN
THOUGH WE KNOW IT. WE CAN’T WATCH THIS THING 24 HOURS A DAY UNTIL
HE COMES BACK. NO TELLING HOW LONG THAT MIGHT BE.”
PAT SAID, “WE WILL BUST
UP THE STILL AND POUR OUT THE SHINE. AT LEAST WE CAN INCONVENIENCE
HIM.” SO WE SMASHED UP HIS TANK AND TOOK THE COPPER TUBING AND
THREW IT IN THE WATER WHERE HE CAN’T FIND IT. WE POURED OUT THE
CORN AND MAISE AND SUGAR HE HAD IN A 55 GALLON DRUM TO SOUR. “LET
THE FISH AND COONS HAVE IT.” I SAID. I TAKE OUT MY .357 S&W AND
SHOOT THREE HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF THE DRUM. “OWE” SAID PAT. “THAT
HURT MY EARS. WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT?”
“OH, DON’T BE SUCH A SISSY,” I SAID. WHEN BUCK HEARD THE GUN GO OFF
HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS DUCK SEASON, BECAUSE HE HIT THE WATER
AND STARTED SWIMMING AROUND IN CIRCLES LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO
RETRIEVE. FINALLY ALL HE COULD FIND WAS THE COPPER TUBING WE HAD
WADDED UP AND THREW IN THE WATER, SO HE PICKED IT UP AND BROUGHT IT
BACK TO THE PLATFORM. I SAID, “NO BUCK THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT”
AND I TOOK IT AWAY FROM HIM AND THREW IT BACK IN THE WATER. NOW
BUCK IS LIKE ANY LABRADOR RETRIEVER, WHEN YOU THROW SOMETHING HE
WILL GO RETRIEVE IT AND BRING IT BACK TO YOU. SO HE JUMPS INTO THE
WATER AND SWIMS TO THE COPPER TUBING, TAKES IT IN HIS MOUTH AND
BRINGS IT BACK TO ME AGAIN.
NOW I KNOW HE’S JUST
DOING WHAT HE THINKS HE IS SUPPOSE TO DO, BUT I’M NOT IN A VERY GOOD
MOOD BY NOW AND I’M GETTING FED UP WITH THIS DOG THAT DOESN’T KNOW
WHEN TO LET WELL ENOUGH A LONE. I DRAW MY .357 AND LOOK AT BUCK AND
TELL HIM IF HE GOES AFTER THAT COPPER TUBING ONE MORE TIME THERE IS
GOING TO BE A DOG FUNERAL AROUND HERE. HE SITS THERE LOOKING AT ME
AND LOOKING AT THE COPPER TUBING AND LOOKING AT MY GUN. WHEN I
THROW THE TUBING THIS TIME, HE JUST SITS THERE. I TELL PAT MAYBE
HE’S SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT. “NAW” PAT SAYS. “YOU DIDN’T SHOOT
WHEN YOU THREW THE TUBING, SO HE FIGURED YOU WERE TO SLOW AND MISSED
YOUR SHOT AND THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO RETRIEVE THIS TIME.”
NEXT WE UNCORKED THE 12
GALLON JUGS AND STARTED POURING THE SHINE INTO THE LAKE. BUCK TOOK
ONE WHIFF OF THE WATER AND SAILED OFF THE PLATFORM AND SWAM TO WHERE
WE WERE POURING THE SHINE. AS WE POURED THE SHINE INTO THE WATER
BUCK WOULD LAP UP AS MUCH AS HE COULD. BY THE TIME WE HAD POURED
OUT ALL 12 GALLONS, BUCK HAD DRANK A SIZEABLE AMOUNT OF SHINE ALONG
WITH ABOUT A GALLON OF LAKE WATER. HE HAD TO HAVE HELP GETTING BACK
UP ON THE PLATFORM.
WE BROKE ALL THE GLASS
JUGS AND WERE READY TO GO BACK TO THE PICKUP. I STEPPED DOWN INTO
THE WATER AND PAT WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. AS WE WALKED AWAY FROM THE
PLATFORM, PAT CALLED TO BUCK TO COME ON. BUCK JUST SAT THERE ON THE
PLATFORM AND LOOKED BLANK. PAT CALLED HIM AGAIN. NOTHING! BUCK
JUST SAT THERE. “NOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT STUPID DOG?” I ASKED.
WE WADED BACK TO THE PLATFORM AND WHEN WE GOT CLOSE TO BUCK WE COULD
SMELL WHAT WAS WRONG. HE WAS DRUNK! HE WAS DRUNK AS A SKUNK. HIS
EYES WERE CROSSED AND HIS HEAD WAS WOBBLING BACK AND FORTH AND HIS
TONGUE WAS HANGING OUT THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH. HE HAD A SILLY GRIN
ON HIS FACE LIKE HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY. HE WAS SO DRUNK,
PAT HAD TO CARRY HIM BACK TO THE PICKUP. NOW THIS DOG WEIGHS 100
POUNDS AND HERE WE ARE 300 HUNDRED YARDS OUT INTO A SWAMP. WE ARE
HAVING TO WADE WATER AND MUD UP TO OUR A-A-ER WAIST. ALL I CAN SAY
IS PAT MUST LOVE THAT DOG AN AWFUL LOT. HE SLUNG BUCK OVER HIS
SHOULDER LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES AND WE STARTED BACK TO THE PICKUP.
“I HOPE WE FIND WYATT
BEFORE BUCK WAKES UP.” I SAY. “HE’S GOING TO HAVE ONE HECK OF A
HANG OVER. IF WE TELL HIM IT’S WYATT’S FAULT, I BET WE CAN GET A
CONFESSION OUT OF WYATT IF WE PROMISE NOT TO LET BUCK AT HIM.”
“THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, LET’S GO FIND WYATT.” PAT GROWLS.
WHEN WE GET BACK TO OUR OLD DODGE PICKUP WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS
EMBLEM ON THE DOOR, WE FIND WE HAVE HAD A VISITOR. ALL FOUR TIRES
ARE FLAT.
AS I LOOKED AT THOSE FOUR
FLATS, I SAID, “NOW WHO DO YOU RECKON DID THAT?” PAT DUMPED BUCK
INTO THE BED OF THE PICKUP AND SAID, “ JUST WHO DO YOU THINK? WHILE
WE WERE OUT THERE WRECKING HIS STILL, HE WAS STICKING HIS KNIFE IN
OUR TIRES. WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE ANY BUSINESS AT THE END OF THIS
LOGGING ROAD?” “YOUR RIGHT,” I SAID “IT’S TWO MILE BACK UP THIS
LOGGING ROAD TO THE HARD TOP AND NO ONE ELSE WOULD BE BACK HERE. SO
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? WE CAN’T PROVE IT WAS HIM IN
COURT.” PAT GOT THIS FUNNY LOOK ON HIS FACE, NOT FUNNY HA HA, BUT
FUNNY, STRANGE. THEN HE SAID, “DON’T GET MAD, GET EVEN!”
I SAID, “THE FIRST THING
WE HAVE TO DO IS GET ON THE RADIO AND CALL DISPATCH FOR A SERVICE
TRUCK.” “NOW WAIT A MINUTE” PAT SAID “ THE LAST TIME WE GOT IN
TROUBLE AND HAD TO CALL A SERVICE TRUCK, THE CAPTAIN SAID HE WAS
GOING TO TAKE THE COST OUT OF OUR PAY CHECKS IF WE DID THAT AGAIN.”
“WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO.” I ASKED. PAT THOUGHT FOR A LITTLE
WHILE AND THEN SAID, “ONE OF US IS GOING TO HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE
HARDTOP AND CATCH A RIDE TO THE NEAREST TELEPHONE. THAT WAY WE CAN
CALL FOR HELP WITHOUT THE CAPTAIN KNOWING ABOUT IT.”
“WELL, JOY JOY, AND JUST
WHO IS GOING TO MAKE THAT TWO MILE HIKE?” I ASKED. “WELL IT WAS ME
THAT CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO KEEP US FROM GETTING INTO TROUBLE WITH
THE CAPTAIN. LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD AT LEAST GO FOR THE HELP.” PAT
WHINED. I SAID, “I’LL FLIP YOU FOR IT, AND REACHED INTO MY POCKET
FOR A COIN.” “OH PUT THAT TWO HEADED QUARTER OF YOURS UP. I
HAVEN’T WON A COIN TOSS WITH YOU IN TEN YEARS.” PAT SAID. “I’LL
GO. I CAN CALL MY BROTHER-IN-LAW THAT HAS THAT FILLING
STATION-GARAGE AND HAVE HIM BRING OUT FOUR TIRES. I BET HE HAS SOME
USED TIRES LAYING AROUND THAT WONT COST TOO MUCH.”
SO OFF PAT GOES UP THE
LOGGING ROAD AND LEAVES ME AND BUCK THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
WAITING FOR HIM. I LOOK AROUND FOR A SHADY PLACE TO SIT DOWN AND
WAIT. OVER ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD IS A BIG OLD PINE TREE WITH A
LOT OF SHADE. IT ALSO HAS A THICK LAYER OF PINE NEEDLES UNDER IT.
SO I WALK OVER TO THE PINE TREE AND LAY DOWN ON THE PINE NEEDLES AND
PUT MY SMOKEY BEAR HAT OVER MY EYES SO I CAN TAKE A NAP. I HADN’T
BEEN THERE BUT A FEW MINUTES WHEN I HEARD BUCK MOVING AROUND IN THE
BED OF THE PICKUP. I SAT UP, PUSHED MY HAT BACK AND LOOKED AT THE
PICKUP. BUCK WAS STANDING UP ON WEAK AND WOBBLEY LEGS LOOKING LIKE
HE WAS GOING TO BE SICK. “NO BUCK,” I HOLLERED, “NOT IN THE
PICKUP!” IT WAS TOO LATE. HE UPCHUCKED ABOUT A GALLON OF SWAMP
WATER AND MOONSHINE IN THE PICKUP BED. HE STAGGERED OVER TO THE
TAILGATE AND STARTED WHINING FOR ME TO LET HIM OUT. I SHOOK MY HEAD
AND COULDN’T HELP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM. I WENT OVER AND LET THE
TAILGATE DOWN AND HE KIND OF FLOWED OUT ONTO THE GROUND. HE LAID
THERE A MINUTE AND THEN MANAGED TO CRAWL OVER TO THE SHADE OF THAT
PINE TREE. “HEY, WAIT A MINUTE THAT’S WHERE I’M LAYING, YOU FIND
YOUR OWN SHADE.”
I WALKED OVER AND STARTED
TO BOOT HIM OUT OF MY SHADY SPOT, BUT WHEN I GOT CLOSE HE LOOKED UP
AT ME AND GROWLED. I TOOK ONE LOOK AT THOSE BEADY LITTLE EYES AND
DECIDED I WAS THE ONE THAT HAD BETTER LOOK FOR ANOTHER SHADY SPOT.
IT WAS GETTING
LATE IN THE DAY AND PAT HADN’T COME BACK YET. IT’S GOING TO BE
DARK BEFORE LONG AND I DON’T RELISH BEING DOWN HERE IN THIS SWAMP
AFTER DARK. THE MOSQUITOES ARE AS BIG AS BLACK BIRDS AND THERE ARE
A ZILLION OF THEM. A MAN COULD NEED A BLOOD TRANSFUSION IF HE SPENT
THE NIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN DOWN HERE. I FIGURED I COULD STAY IN THE
CAB OF THE PICKUP IF I HAD TO, BUT WHAT ABOUT BUCK? HE COULDN’T
STAY OUTSIDE EITHER AND WE WERE NOT ON THE FRIENDLIEST OF TERMS
RIGHT THEN. BESIDES THAT, HE SMELLED LIKE A SOURED PIG PEN.
FINALLY JUST AS THE SUN WAS GOING DOWN I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET THE
WINDOWS ROLLED UP ON THE PICKUP AND FORT UP FOR THE NIGHT.
POOR BUCK, HE STOOD THERE
NEXT TO THE PICKUP AND WHINED TO BE LET IN. HE SOUNDED SO PITIFUL I
COULDN’T HELP IT. I OPENED THE DOOR AND LET HIM IN. HE JUMPED UP
ON THE SEAT AND STARTED LICKING ME IN THE FACE. UGH! HIS
BREATH WAS SO STRONG IT WOULD HAVE KNOCKED OVER A MULE. “BUCK,
STOP IT, YOU’VE GOT DRAGON MOUTH. TWO MORE WHIFFS OF YOUR BREATH
AND I’LL PASS OUT!” WELL, THERE WE SAT. I WONDERED WHAT HAD
HAPPENED TO PAT. LONG ABOUT MID-NIGHT I GAVE UP ON PAT SHOWING UP
UNTIL MORNING. I SAT THERE WITH ME STOMACH GROWLING AND THINKING
ABOUT A BIG PLATTER OF DEEP FRIED CATFISH AND FRENCH FRIES, AND A
COUPLE OF COLD BEERS TO WASH THEM DOWN WITH. BUCK HAD FINALLY
SETTLED DOWN AND LAID DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND WENT TO SLEEP. I DIDN’T
KNOW IF HE WAS BELCHING OR FARTING, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN A STRONG
AROMA OF SOUR MASH WOULD COME DRIFTING UP FROM THE FLOOR. I FINALLY
DRIFTED OFF TO SLEEP ALSO.
NOW AS FOR PAT, HE WALKED OUT TO THE
HARDTOP AND FLAGGED DOWN A RIDE. HE WENT TO HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW’S
GARAGE AND TOLD HIM WHAT WE NEEDED. HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW SAID HE HAD
SOME OLD TIRES HE WOULD SELL US AT A DISCOUNT AND HE WOULD TAKE THEM
DOWN TO THE PICKUP AND MOUNT THEM FOR US. BUT HE WOULD NOT GO
TONIGHT. HE WOULDN’T GO UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING. PAT TOLD HIM THAT
WAS OK WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WASN’T LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK TO
THAT MOSQUITO INFESTED SWAMP AFTER DARK ANYWAY. SO HE WENT HOME AND
TOOK A HOT SHOWER AND HAD A NICE SUPPER WITH HIS WIFE. HE SLEPT IN
HIS BED BETWEEN CLEAN SHEETS AND HAD A GOOD NIGHTS REST. IF HE
THOUGHT OF BUCK AND I, IT DIDN’T SEEM TO BOTHER HIM THAT WE WERE
SITTING IN A PICKUP IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP SURROUNDED BY A ZILLION
MOSQUITOES.
THE SUN WOKE ME UP
SHINING THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. I OPENED THE DOOR AND GOT OUT OF
THE PICKUP AND BUCK CRAWLED OUT BEHIND ME. I WAS SO STOVE UP AND
SORE FROM SITTING IN THAT TRUCK ALL NIGHT I COULD HARDLY MOVE. BUCK
WASN’T IN ANY BETTER SHAPE. WE WALKED AROUND FOR A WHILE UNTIL WE
LOOSENED UP OUR SORE MUSCLES. I WONDERED WHERE PAT WAS. JUST YOU
WAIT UNTIL HE GETS HERE, I’VE GOT A FEW THINGS TO SAY TO HIM. WELL
LONG ABOUT 10:00 O’CLOCK HERE PAT AND HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW COME
BARRELING DOWN THE LOG ROAD. WHEN THEY PULL UP NEXT TO OUR PICKUP,
THE FIRST THING PAT SAYS IS, “WHERE IS BUCK? IS HE ALRIGHT?” I
SAID, “NO, I’M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT BUCK GOT SICK LAST
NIGHT AND DIED. YOU CAN SEE IN THE BACK OF THE PICKUP WHERE HE GOT
SICK.” PAT’S FACE TURNED WHITE. HE WALKED OVER TO THE BACK OF THE
PICKUP AND LOOKED IN THE BED. THEN HE TURNED TO ME AND ASKED IN A
VERY SMALL VOICE “WHERE IS HE?” ABOUT THAT TIME BUCK CAME OUT OF
THE BRUSH WHERE HE HAD BEEN FORGING FOR HIS BREAKFAST. WHEN HE SAW
PAT HE GAVE A LOUD BARK AND MADE A BEE LINE FOR PAT. WHEN BUCK GOT
TO PAT HE JUMPED UP ON HIM AND KNOCKED PAT DOWN. HE WAS LICKING
PAT’S FACE LIKE HE HAD FOUND HIS LONG LOST BOTHER.
WELL I GUESS IT WAS MEAN
TO TELL PAT THAT BUCK WAS DEAD BUT I WASN’T IN A VERY GOOD MOOD FROM
BEING LEFT OUT IN THAT SWAMP ALL NIGHT. NOTHING TO EAT AND NO
COFFEE TO WAKE UP WITH THIS MORNING HAD PUT ME IN A SOUR MOOD, TO
SAY THE LEST. I ASK PAT IF HE HAD THOUGHT TO BRING ME SOME COFFEE.
PAT LOOKED KIND OF SHEEPISH AND SAID, “ NO, AFTER I HAD MY BREAKFAST
AND DRANK THREE CUPS OF COFFEE, ALL I WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS GETTING
SOME MORE TIRES ON THE PICKUP.” I STARTED TO REACH FOR MY .357 S&W,
BUT THEN REMEMBERED THEY HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY IN TEXAS FOR MURDER.
WELL WE GOT THE TIRES
CHANGED ON THE PICKUP AND WENT BACK TO TOWN. WE KNEW THAT WYATT
WOULD BE LAYING LOW FOR AWHILE, SO WE WENT BACK TO OUR JOB OF
PATROLLING CADDO LAKE. PAT SAID HE WOULD FORGIVE ME FOR TELLING HIM
BUCK WAS DEAD IF I WOULD FORGIVE HIM FOR GOING HOME AND SLEEPING IN
HIS BED WHILE I WAS STUCK IN THE CAB OF THE PICKUP ALL NIGHT. WE
WASHED OUT THE BED OF THE PICKUP RIGHT GOOD SO YOU COULDN’T SEE
ANYTHING, BUT THAT SMELL WAS INDUSTRIAL GRADE. IT LASTED FOR AT
LEAST A MONTH.
WE LAUNCHED OUR BOAT AT
JOHNSON’S RANCH AND RAN DOWN THE RIVER TOWARD THE DALLAS CADDO
CLUB. IT BEING THE WEEK END, WE KNEW THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF PEOPLE
OUT BOAT RIDING AND FISHING. WE HADN’T GONE FAR WHEN WE SAW A BIG
BASS BOAT COME FLYING UP RIVER TOWARD US. THIS GUY HAD A 200
HUNDRED HORSE POWER MOTOR ON A 21 FOOT BOAT AND HE WAS MOVING ON.
HE PASSED BY A LITTLE 12 FOOT JON BOAT WITH A COUPLE OF BLACK LADIES
IN IT AND HIS WAKE ALMOST SWAMPED THEM. AS HE WENT BY US I TRIED TO
FLAG HIM DOWN BUT HE JUST KEPT GOING. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD
OUT RUN US AND GET AWAY.
OUR BOAT WAS A 16 FOOT
HEAVY DUTY JON BOAT WITH AN 80 HORSE MOTOR AND IT WOULD RUN 60 mph.
WE CAN KEEP UP WITH ABOUT ANYTHING ON THE LAKE. I TURNED AROUND AND
TURNED ON THE SIREN AND TOOK OUT AFTER THIS GUY. HE SAW US CHASING
HIM AND FIGURED HE COULD OUT RUN US. HE CUT UP THROUGH TURTLE SHELL
AND CAME OUT ON ALLIGATOR BAYOU. THEN TURNED INTO KITCHEN’S CREEK.
WE WERE STILL BEHIND HIM BUT LOOSING GROUND. I KNEW THAT KITCHEN’S
CREEK MADE A SHARP TURN TO THE LEFT UP AHEAD AND HE WOULD HAVE TO
SLOW DOWN FOR THAT TURN. WE COULD MAKE UP SOME GROUND ON HIM THEN.
JUST BEFORE THE SHARP TURN I TOOK OUT MY .357 S&W AND FIRED OFF A
SHOT OVER HIS HEAD. “OWE” SAID PAT. “DON’T DO THAT, YOU KNOW IT
HURTS MY EARS.”
THE GUY LOOKED BACK AT
THE SOUND OF THE SHOT AND DIDN’T SEE THE TURN. HIS BOAT LEFT THE
BOAT ROAD AND WENT OUT THROUGH THE TREES. THERE WAS AN OLD STUMP
THAT HAD ROTTED OFF AT THE SURFACE OF THE WATER AND HIS BOAT HIT
THIS STUMP. THE BOAT BECAME AIR BORN AND THE FOOT OF THE MOTOR HIT
THE STUMP WITH SUCH FORCE IT SHEERED OFF. THERE WAS A SMALL GROUP
OF CYPRESS TREES JUST IN FRONT OF THE BOAT AND IT PLOWED INTO THEM.
THE BOAT HUNG UP IN THE TREES AND CAME TO AN ABRUPT STOP. BUT THE
DRIVER DIDN’T STOP. HE FLEW ANOTHER 40 YARDS AND CAME DOWN IN THE
MIDDLE OF A PATCH OF LILLY PADS. HE STOOD UP IN THE WAIST DEEP
WATER AND LOOKED BACK AT HIS NEW $25,000. BOAT. IT WAS SITTING UP IN
THIS BUNCH OF CYPRESS TREES THREE FEET ABOVE THE WATER. THE FOOT
WAS GONE OFF THE MOTOR AND THERE WAS A TREE TRUNK STICKING THROUGH
THE HULL. THIS GUY WAS STANDING THERE WITH LILY PADS DRAPED ALL
OVER HIM AND BAWLING LIKE A BABY.
AFTER WE PICKED HIM OUT
OF THE WATER WE SAT THERE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TICKETS TO WRITE
HIM. FINALLY WE DECIDED JUST TO WRITE HIM ONE TICKET FOR OPERATING
A WATER CRAFT IN A DANGEROUS AND UNSAFE MANNER SO AS TO ENDANGER
OTHERS. WE FIGURED HE HAD BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH BY DESTROYING HIS
BOAT.
WE GAVE HIM A RIDE BACK
TO JOHNSON’S RANCH, WHERE HIS PICKUP WAS AND WENT ON WITH OUR
PATROLLING. AFTER AWHILE WE DECIDED WE WANTED A HAMBURGER SO WE
WENT OVER TO THE “DEW-DROP” INN. NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE
“DEW-DROP” INN. IT IS A BEER JOINT BUILT UP IN THE TREES OUT IN THE
LAKE. IT SEEMS THAT WHEN UNCERTAIN WAS INCORPORATED THE CITIZENS
ALSO VOTED IT DRY (NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES). HUGH HANER, A LOCAL
CHARACTER, HAD A SMALL BEER JOINT NEXT TO JOHNSON’S RANCH, AND WHEN
THE TOWN INCORPORATED IT TOOK IN HUGH’S PLACE. THIS MEANT HE HAD TO
SHUT DOWN. BUT HUGH WAS NOT THE KIND OF GUY TO GIVE UP SO EASY.
HE WENT ACROSS THE
CHANNEL FROM JOHNSON’S RANCH AND BUILT A BUILDING UP IN THE CYPRESS
TREES OUT IN THE WATER. THIS WAS OUT OF THE CITY LIMITS OF
UNCERTAIN SO HE COULD SELL BEER OVER THERE. IT HAD A FLOATING DOCK
IN FRONT AND YOU MOTORED UP TO THE DOCK, TIED YOUR BOAT UP AND WENT
UP FOUR STEPS INTO THE INSIDE. INSIDE THE ROOM WAS A BAR DOWN ONE
SIDE WITH 8 STOOLS IN FRONT OF IT. THERE WERE TWO OLD RICKETY
TABLES WITH CANE BOTTOM CHAIRS. BEHIND THE BAR WERE TWO COOLER
BOXES THAT HUGH KEPT THE BEER AND A FEW SOFT DRINKS IN. HE ALSO HAD
AN OLD BUTANE STOVE WITH A GRILL ON TOP WHERE HE COOKED HAMBURGERS.
HE ALWAYS KEPT SEVERAL LARGE BOWLS OF SALTED POP CORN ON THE BAR.
HE SAID THAT HELPED HIS BEER SALES A BUNCH.
WELL PAT AND I WENT IN
AND SAT DOWN AT THE BAR. WE EACH ORDERED A HAMBURGER AND A COKE.
AS WE SAT THERE EATING POP CORN I WATCHED HUGH FIX OUR HAMBURGERS.
HE PUT ON A COUPLE OF MEAT PATTIES AND PUT THE BUNS ON THE GRILL TO
TOAST WHERE HE WAS FRYING THE MEAT. THEY SOAKED UP SOME OF THE
GREASE COMING FROM THE MEAT AS THEY TOASTED. THIS WOULD GIVE THEM
SOME FLAVOR. THEN HE SMEARED A GOOD HELPING OF MUSTARD ON EACH HALF
OF THE BUNS. WHILE HE WAS DOING THIS HE HAD LAID TWO BIG SLICES OF
ONION ON THE GRILL NEXT TO THE MEAT. WHEN THE MEAT WAS DONE HE PUT
IT ON THE BUNS AND PUT THE ONIONS ON TOP OF THE MEAT. THEN HE PUT
THREE BIG SLICES OF TOMATO ON THAT AND TOPPED IT OFF WITH SEVERAL
LEAVES OF LETTUCE. NEXT CAME THE BUN TOPS. THEN HE STUCK AN OVER
SIZED TOOTH PICK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HAMBURGERS TO HOLD THEM
TOGETHER AND PUT THEM ON A PAPER PLATE. AFTER WATCHING THIS WORK OF
ART MY MOUTH WAS SALIVATING SO BAD I COULD HARDLY WAIT TO GET MY
TEETH INTO THAT HAMBURGER.
AFTER THAT WILD CHASE WE
DECIDED WE WOULD FIND A NICE QUITE SHADY SPOT AND TAKE US A NAP. WE
EASED OFF THE BOAT ROAD INTO THE TREES AT BIRD ISLAND. WE WORMED
OUR WAY THROUGH THE TREES UNTIL WE WERE ON THE INSIDE OF A BUNCH OF
CYPRESS TREES AND STOPPED THE MOTOR. IT WAS QUITE AND PEACEFUL IN
HERE AND NO ONE COULD SEE US. I SAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT AND
LEANED BACK AGAINST A BOAT CUSHION WITH MY HANDS BEHIND MY HEAD AND
MY FEET PROPPED UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BOAT. PAT LEANED BACK IN THE
SEAT AND TOOK HIS BOOTS OFF AND HUNG HIS FEET OVER THE SIDE IN THE
WATER.
WE SAT THERE LIKE THAT
FOR A WHILE AND THEN PAT SAID, “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO GET EVEN
WITH WYATT FOR CUTTING UP OUR TIRES?” “LET’S JUST SHOOT HIM AND GET
IT OVER WITH.” I SAID. “NAW, THAT WOULD BE TO EASY ON HIM. WE NEED
TO MAKE HIM SUFFER.” PAT SAID. “WELL WE HAVE ALREADY TORE UP HIS
STILL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?” I MANAGED TO SAY JUST BEFORE I
DRIFTED OFF TO SLEEP.
“HEY, I GOT IT.” PAT
HOLLERED. THAT WOKE ME UP WITH A START. “GOT WHAT?” I WANTED TO
KNOW. “HOW WE CAN GET EVEN WITH WYATT. WE KNOW WHERE HE LEAVES HIS
SHINE WHEN HE SELLS TO SOME ONE HE DON’T WANT COMING TO HIS HOUSE.”
PAT WAS EXCITED NOW. “YOU KNOW HE LEAVES A GALLON JUG OF SHINE IN
THAT OLD HOLLOW STUMP DOWN BY THE CROSS ROADS AT UNCERTAIN. THEN,
WILL GO BY THERE LATER AND GET HIS MONEY.” “YOU MEAN WE CAN STEAL
HIS MONEY?” I ASKED. “NO WE CAN PUT HIM OUT OF THE MOON SHINE
BUSINESS.” WAS PAT’S ANSWER. “HOW WE GOING TO DO THAT?” I WANTED TO
KNOW. “NEVER MIND RIGHT NOW. CRANK THIS THING UP AND LETS GO BACK
TO THE PICKUP. WE GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO.” PAT PUT HIS BOOTS BACK
ON WHILE I MOTORED BACK UP RIVER.
WHEN WE GOT BACK TO
JOHNSON’S RANCH WE TOOK THE BOAT OUT OF THE WATER. THEN PAT WANTED
TO GO TO A DRUG STORE. WE DROVE OVER TO WASKUM TO THE DRUG STORE
AND PAT WENT IN. IN A FEW MINUTES HE WAS BACK WITH A SACK. “WHAT
YOU GOT IN THAT SACK?” I WANTED TO KNOW. “CROTON OIL” PAT SAID.
NOW IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT CROTON OIL IS, IT’S LIKE A VERY VERY
STRONG LAXATIVE. JUST A LITTLE DAB WILL DO YOU. IT IS ODORLESS,
COLORLESS AND TASTELESS. “WOW, JUST WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO WITH
THAT?" I ASKED. "WELL" PAT SAID "IF WE POUR SOME OF THIS IN WYATT’S
MOON SHINE, JUST THINK WHAT IT’S GOING TO DO TO THE POOR SLOB WHO
DRINKS IT.” “YEAH, BUT HOW IS THAT GOING TO GET EVEN WITH WYATT?” I
ASKED “YOU KNOW HOW QUICK WORD WILL SPREAD ABOUT WYATT’S SHINE AND
WHAT IT DOES TO YOU.” PAT SAID AS HE LAUGHED. “WYATT WONT BE ABLE
TO GIVE ANY OF HIS SHINE AWAY, MUCH LESS SELL IT.”
“O-O-O-K, BUT I STILL
THINK IT’S PRETTY ROUGH ON THE GUY THAT’S GOING TO DRINK IT.” “SO
WHAT.” PAT SAYS “HE SHOULDN’T BE BUYING ILLEGAL WHISKEY ANYWAY.”
WE WENT BACK OVER TO
UNCERTAIN AND DROVE DOWN THE DIRT ROAD TO THE CROSS ROADS WHERE THAT
HOLLOW STUMP IS AND LOOKED IN THE STUMP. NO WHISKEY! “WE WILL JUST
HAVE TO WATCH IT FOR A FEW DAYS UNTIL WE FIND A JUG IN THE STUMP.”
PAT SAID. WE PUT THE BOTTLE OF CROTON OIL IN THE GLOVE BOX SO WE
WOULD HAVE IT WHEN WE NEEDED IT. “NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?” I
ASKED. LET’S GO OVER TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAWS PLACE AND SEE WHAT IS
GOING ON.” WAS PAT’S ANSWER. “HE ALWAYS HEARS ALL THE GOSSIP.”
WHEN WE DRIVE UP TO THE
GARAGE, I PARK IN THE SHADE OF A BIG SWEET GUM TREE AND WE WALK OVER
TO THE FILLIN STATION AND GET A SODA POP OUT OF THE MACHINE. PAT’S
BROTHER-IN-LAW, DALE, IS SITTING IN A CHAIR LEANING BACK AGAINST THE
WALL, CHEWING ON A TOOTH PICK. “HOWDY” DALE DRAWLS “WHAT CAN I DO
FOR YOU TWO FELLERS NOW?” “NOTHING” I SAY “WE JUST STOPPED TO GET
SOMETHING TO DRINK.” PAT SAID “WHAT’S GOING ON.” “NOT A DAD BURN
THING. IT’S BEEN SLOW AS MOLASSES THIS MORNING.” DALE ANSWERED.
“WHERE’S BUCK? I DIDN’T THINK YOU WENT ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM.” “AW,
HE’S STILL A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER. SO I LEFT HIM AT HOME.” PAT
WHINES. “ A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER OR STILL HUNG OVER? GIGGLE
GIGGLE.” SAYS DALE.
WELL, AFTER WATCHING THAT
HOLLOW STUMP FOR A FEW DAYS WE FOUND A JUG OF WHITE LIGHTEN THERE
ONE DAY. WE POURED OUT ABOUT A CUP FULL AND REFILLED IT WITH CROTON
OIL. “THAT’S GOING TO BE POWERFUL STRONG WITH THAT MUCH CROTON OIL
IN IT.” I SAID “YEAH, AINT IT THOUGH. I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS
GUY NEVER FORGETS WHAT WYATT’S SHINE DID TO HIM.” SAYS PAT. “I WANT
TO MAKE SURE HE TELLS EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTY ABOUT IT ALSO.” WE
PUT THE JUG BACK IN THE STUMP AND LEAVE.
BUCK IS WITH US AGAIN AND
WHEN HE SEE US POUR THE SHINE OUT ON THE GROUND, HE IS RIGHT THERE
TRYING TO LAP UP SOME BEFORE IT SOAKS INTO THE DIRT. THAT DOG WILL
NEVER LEARN! WE DRIVE DOWN TO THE LAKE AND HANG AROUND CURLEY’S
CAFÉ AND BAIT HOUSE. AS PEOPLE COME IN OFF THE LAKE WE CHECK THEIR
LIVE BOXES IN THEIR BOATS TO SEE WHAT THEY HAVE CAUGHT. WE FIND A
BOAT WITH TWO UNDER SIZED BLACK BASS AND WRITE THE FISHERMAN A
TICKET. THEN A LITTLE WHILE LATER WE FIND TWO FISHERMEN WITH FOUR
BASS OVER THEIR LIMIT AND WRITE THEM A TICKET. EACH TIME A BOAT
COMES IN OFF THE LAKE WE GET BUCK TO SNIFF AROUND IT TO SEE IF THERE
IS ANY BOOZE ON BOARD. ON THIS DAY ALL HE CAN FIND ARE SOME EMPTY
BEER CANS.
FINALLY BUCK FINDS A BOAT
WITH SEVERAL CANS OF BEER IN A COOLER. HE STARTS BARKING AT THE
COOLER. THE MEN IN THE BOAT ASKED WHAT HE WAS BARKING AT? PAT TOLD
THEM BUCK HAD FOUND SOME BEER IN THEIR BOAT AND THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS
BARKING ABOUT. THE MAN IN THE FRONT OF THE BOAT SAID, “WELL THAT’S
NOT ILLEGAL, IS IT?” “NO,” SAID PAT “BUCK JUST LIKES BEER.” “OH”
SAID THE MAN, AND HE GOT A BEER OUT OF HIS COOLER AND POPPED THE POP
TOP AND POURED IT INTO HIS MINNOW BUCKET. THEN HE SET THE BUCKET ON
THE GROUND IN FRONT OF BUCK. WELL BUCK DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU.
HE JUST POKED HIS HEAD IN THAT MINNOW BUCKET AND STARTED LAPPING UP
THAT BEER. HIS TAIL WAS WAGGING SO HARD THAT WHEN IT HIT MY LEG IT
FELT LIKE SOMEONE HAD HIT ME WITH A BASE BALL BAT.
LONG ABOUT 2:00 O’CLOCK
WE WENT INTO CURLEY’S CAFÉ FOR SOME LUNCH. CURLEY HAD AN ALL YOU
CAN EAT CATFISH DINNER THAT WE LIKED TO BELLY UP TO. HE SERVED IT
FAMILY STYLE. FIRST THEY BROUGHT A BIG PLATTER OF SLICED ONIONS,
PICKLES, TOMATOES, OLIVES AND JALAPENO PEPPERS. THEN THEY BROUGHT A
LARGE BOWL OF FRENCH FRIED POTATOES AND LAST THEY BROUGHT A BIG
PLATTER OF FRIED CATFISH. ON THIS DAY HE ASKED US WHAT WE WANTED TO
DRINK, BUT SAID HE HAD SOMETHING NEW HE WANTED US TO TRY IF WE
WOULD. “OK” WE SAID AND HE BROUGHT A BIG PITCHER OF PINK LEMON
AID. WHEN I TASTED THE LEMON AID IT SURE WAS GOOD AND I TOLD HIM
SO. HE JUST GRINNED. IF THE BOWL OF TATERS OR THE PLATTER OF FISH
GOT LOW THEY WOULD TAKE IT BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND REFILL IT.
WELL, PAT AND I HAVE
EATEN TWO PLATTERS OF FISH AND A BUNCH OF TATERS AND WE HAD DRANK
TWO PITCHERS OF THAT LEMON AID. WHEN WE GOT READY TO LEAVE CURLEY
ASKED US HOW WE LIKED HIS SPECIAL LEMON AID. I TOLD HIM IT WAS THE
BEST LEMON AID I HAD EVER DRANK AND PAT AGREED. AS WE WALKED OUT TO
GET IN THE PICKUP I NOTICED PAT WAS WALKING A LITTLE UNSTEADY. I
ASKED HIM IF ANYTHING WAS WRONG AND HE SAID, “HECK NO, I NEVER FELT
BETTER.” WE DROVE BACK UP THE ROAD A LITTLE PIECE AND FOUND A SHADE
TREE AND PARKED. PAT WENT OVER BY THE TREE AND LAY DOWN ON THE
GRASS. BUCK JUMPED OUT OF THE BED OF THE PICKUP AND CAME OVER AND
SMELLED PAT’S BREATH. BY THIS TIME I WAS STRETCHED OUT ON THE SEAT
AND SOUND ASLEEP.
WELL WE MUST HAVE SLEPT
OVER TWO HOURS, BECAUSE WHEN WE WOKE UP IT WAS ALMOST 6:00 O’CLOCK.
TIME TO GO HOME. WE BOTH HAD A KING SIZE HEADACHE. I THOUGHT IT
WAS JUST BECAUSE WE HAD EATEN SO MUCH AND THEN GONE TO SLEEP ON A
FULL STOMACH. ANYWAY PAT DROPPED ME OFF AT MY HOUSE AND HE AND BUCK
WENT ON HOME.
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN HE
PICKED ME UP HE LOOKED A LITTLE GREEN AROUND THE GILLS. I SAID,
“PAT IF I DIDN’T KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I DO, I WOULD SAY YOU HAVE A
HANGOVER. PAT JUST SHRUGGED AND PUT HIS DARK GLASSES ON. BUT
BEFORE HE DID I GOT A LOOK AT HIS EYES. THEY LOOKED LIKE TWO POOLS
OF TOMATO JUICE WITH A BLACK OLIVE IN EACH. HE SAID HIS HEAD FELT
AS BIG AS A WATERMELON THIS MORNING AND ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS GO
OVER TO CURLEY’S AND GET A CUP OF COFFEE. “I’LL SIT INSIDE OUT OF
THE SUN AND YOU CAN CHECK A FEW BOATS AS THEY COME IN.” PAT
GROANED. “THAT’S OK BY ME. BUT I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH
YOU.”
WHEN WE WALKED INTO
CURLEY’S CAFÉ, CURLEY WAS SITTING BEHIND HIS COUNTER READING THE
NEWS PAPER. AS WE OPENED THE DOOR HE LOOKED UP AND SAID, "I DIDN'T
FIGURE YOU BOYS WOULD BE OUT TODAY. DID YOU COME BACK FOR SOME MORE
OF THE LEMON AID?” PAT GROWLED, “NO, GIVE ME A CUP OF COFFEE.”
CURLEY DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ELSE, HE JUST DREW TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND
BROUGHT THEM OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE WE HAD SAT DOWN. PAT SAT THERE
WITH HIS DARK SHADES ON AND DRANK HIS COFFEE. WHEN I FINISHED MY
COFFEE, I GOT UP AND WENT OUT TO THE PICKUP. I TOLD BUCK TO COME ON
WE WERE GOING TO CHECK A FEW BOATS. HE WAS ALL FOR THAT. HE
THOUGHT HE MIGHT FIND SOME MORE BEER. BUT AFTER CHECKING SEVERAL
BOATS NEITHER OF US WERE HAVING ANY LUCK. I WASN’T FINDING ANY
VIOLATIONS AND BUCK WASN’T FINDING ANY BEER.
SO WE WENT IN THE BAIT
HOUSE AND SAT DOWN TO TALK TO WAYNE, THE GUY CURLEY HAD RUNNING THE
BAIT HOUSE. BUCK WALKED AROUND FOR AWHILE AND THEN STUCK HIS NOSE
IN THE TROUGH THAT HAD CRAYFISH IN IT. A BIG CRAYFISH GRABBED HIS
NOSE WITH HIS PINCHER AND WOULDN’T LET GO. BUCK LET OUT A BLOOD
CURDLING HOWL AND RAN FOR THE DOOR, THAT OLD CRAYFISH STILL HANGING
ON HIS NOSE. JUST AS HE GOT TO THE DOOR A CUSTOMER WAS COMING IN TO
BUY SOME MINNOWS. NOW I’VE TOLD YOU BUCK WEIGHED 100 POUNDS AND
WHEN HE WENT THROUGH THAT DOOR THE SAME TIME THE CUSTOMER WAS TRYING
TO COME IN YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED.
THE GUY WAS KNOCKED FLAT
ON HIS BACK, HIS MINNOW BUCKET WENT FLYING, AND BUCK WENT RACING FOR
THE PICKUP, HOWLING LIKE A BANSHEE. BUCK JUMPED UP IN THE BED OF
THE PICKUP AND LAY COWERING UNDER THE TOOL BOX. SOMEWHERE ALONG THE
WAY THE CRAYFISH HAD FALLEN OFF HIS NOSE.
AS IT GOT CLOSE TO LUNCH
TIME BOATS STARTED COMING IN OFF THE LAKE BY THE DOZENS. NO ONE WAS
TAKING THEIR BOAT OUT OF THE WATER, THEY WERE JUST COMING IN TO EAT
LUNCH. I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE COME TO CURLEY’S FOR LUNCH.
WHEN I WENT BACK UP TO THE CAFÉ THERE WAS A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICKUPS
AND CARS OUT FRONT. WHEN I WENT INSIDE THE PLACE WAS PACKED. I
FOUND PAT SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM WITH TWO GUYS
WE KNEW. THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW CURLEY HAD INCREASED HIS
BUSINESS SINCE HE STARTED SELLING THAT PINK LEMON AID.
NOW I MAY BE SLOW BUT YOU
DON’T HAVE TO HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A 2X4 FOR ME TO PUT 2 AND 2
TOGETHER. CURLEY WAS SPIKING HIS LEMON AID WITH MOONSHINE. IT
SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE BUT US TWO OLD DUMB GAME WARDENS ALREADY KNEW
THAT. PAT IS A “TEE-TOTALER” AND HAD DRANK MOST OF THAT PITCHER OF
LEMON AID YESTERDAY. THIS EXPLAINS WHY HE ACTED THE WAY HE DID
AFTER WE HAD EATEN LUNCH. WELL WE COULDN’T CARE LESS WHAT CURLEY
WAS DOING WITH HIS LEMON AID. AS WE SAT THERE TALKING, ALL OF A
SUDDEN A GUY AT THE NEXT TABLE JUMPED UP SO QUICK HE KNOCKED OVER
HIS CHAIR. HE MADE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM. BEFORE HE GOT THERE
SOMEONE SITTING AT A TABLE NEXT TO THE BATHROOM JUMPED UP AND RAN
INTO THE BATHROOM . THE FIRST GUY LOOKED AROUND WITH PANIC IN HIS
EYES AND HEADED FOR THE LADIES BATHROOM. ABOUT THAT TIME FOUR MORE
PEOPLE JUMPED UP AND RAN TO THE BATHROOM DOORS BUT THEY WERE LOCKED
FROM THE INSIDE AND THEY COULDN’T GET IN. THEY ALL MADE A BEE LINE
FOR THE FRONT DOOR AND THERE WAS A MAD SCRAMBLE TO SEE WHO COULD GET
OUT FIRST.
THEN THE WHOLE ROOM
ERUPTED INTO CHAOS. EVERY ONE WAS TRYING TO GET OUT THE DOOR AT THE
SAME TIME. CHAIRS WERE OVER TURNED, TABLES WERE PUSHED ASIDE,
DISHES WERE PUSHED OFF ON THE FLOOR AND BROKEN, EVERYONE WAS
HOLLERING AND CUSSING. PAT AND I STOOD UP AND BACKED UP AGAINST THE
WALL OUT OF THE WAY. PAT SAID “WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT IS WRONG
WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE?” “I DON’T KNOW, BUT I’M STAYING OUT OF THE
WAY UNTIL ITS OVER.” I SCREAMED. THERE WERE TWO GUYS ROLLING
AROUND ON THE FLOOR, GROANING AND HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS. I NOTICED
THEY HAD DIRTIED THEIR PANTS.
I SAID “PAT, I KNOW WHO
WYATT’S CUSTOMER WAS FOR THAT MOONSHINE WE DOCTORED WITH THE CROTON
OIL.” “YOU MEAN” PAT STARTED TO SAY. “YEP” I SAID, “IT WAS
CURLEY. I’M GLAD HE DIDN’T HAVE THAT DOCTORED UP SHINE YESTERDAY
WHEN WE DRANK HIS LEMON AID.” “AIN’T IT THE TRUTH.” PAT SAID.
WELL THE CROTON OIL DID
PUT SOME ONE OUT OF BUSINESS, BUT IT WASN’T WYATT. IT WAS CURLEY.
NO ONE WOULD EAT IN HIS PLACE AFTER THAT. THE BAD THING ABOUT IT
WAS HE COULDN’T TELL ANYONE WHO HAD SOLD HIM THE BAD MOONSHINE. IF
HE HAD ADMITTED HE WAS PUTTING MOONSHINE IN HIS LEMON AID HE COULD
HAVE GOT IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY KNEW WHAT HE WAS
DOING NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT.
AFTER EVERY THING QUIETED
DOWN WHERE PAT AND I COULD GET OUT OF CURLEY’S WITHOUT GETTING RUN
OVER OR KNOCKED DOWN, WE WENT OUT SIDE AND GOT IN OUR PICKUP AND
LEFT. IT WAS BEGINNING TO SMELL PRETTY RANK AROUND THERE ANYWAY.
PAT SAID HE WOULD DRIVE. I HATE IT WHEN PAT DRIVES AND BUCK RIDES
IN THE CAB WITH US. HE ALWAYS GETS TO SIT BY THE WINDOW AND I HAVE
TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE. AS WE ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD HE LIKES TO
STICK HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND LET THE WIND BLOW IN HIS FACE.
HERE’S THIS PICKUP GOING
DOWN THE ROAD WITH THE HEAD OF A BIG BLACK DOG STICKING OUT THE
WINDOW. THE WIND IS BLOWING HIS LIPS BACK SO HE LOOKS LIKE HE HAS A
SILLY GRIN ON HIS FACE. HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT THE SIDE OF HIS
MOUTH WITH SLOBBER STREAMING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER. HIS EARS ARE
FLOPPING UP AND DOWN LIKE A BIRD’S WINGS. AS PEOPLE LOOK UP AND SEE
THIS PICKUP GOING BY WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS EMBLEM ON THE DOOR AND
THIS DOG WITH HIS HEAD STICKING OUT THE WINDOW, THEY THINK. “AND
THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSE TO SERVE AND PROTECT US?”
THE END
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