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THE ADVENTURES OF

 ED WARD-GAME WARDEN

 

                                                    

 

 

 

“LOOK OUT” PAT HOLLERED AS THE BIG LOG STARTED FALLING TOWARD US.  PAT PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY JUST IN TIME TO KEEP ME FROM GETTING CRUSHED BY A LARGE LOG THAT HAD BEEN SET UP ON IT’S END.  “THAT WAS A DEAD FALL TRAP THAT OLD WYATT SET ON THIS TRAIL TO KEEP PEOPLE AWAY FROM HIS STILL.”  PAT KNEW WYATT PRETTY WELL.  AFTER ALL HE HAD BEEN CHASING HIM FOR ONE THING OR ANOTHER FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS.

 

PAT AND I WERE GAME WARDENS FOR THE STATE OF TEXAS.  WE HAD WORKED TOGETHER FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS AND HAD BECOME GOOD FRIENDS.  WE WERE ASSIGNED TO EAST TEXAS AROUND CADDO LAKE.  PAT AND I AND HIS BLACK LAB, BUCK, HAD GOT A TIP THAT AN OLD CODGER NAMED WYATT WAS RUNNING A STILL IN THE BACK WOODS ON THE SWAMPY END OF CADDO LAKE, AND WERE TRYING TO FIND IT.  BUCK WAS ONE OF THE SMARTEST DOGS I HAVE EVER SEEN.  HE CAN SMELL A STILL FROM A MILE AWAY.  I GUESS HE LIKES THE SMELL OF SOUR MASH.  I KNOW HE LIKES THE TASTE OF MOON SHINE BECAUSE IN THE PAST WHEN WE WOULD FIND A STILL AND BREAK IT UP AND POUR EVERYTHING OUT ON THE GROUND HE WOULD LAP UP AS MUCH AS HE COULD BEFORE IT SOAKED INTO THE GROUND.  

 

NOW LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THIS WYATT.  HE’S AN OLD CODGER THAT HAS LIVED AROUND CADDO LAKE ALL HIS LIFE.  AS FAR AS I KNOW HE HAS NEVER HAD A JOB IN HIS LIFE.  HE MAKES HIS LIVING BY SELLING MOONSHINE, TRAPPING AND SELLING FISH, GUIDING HUNTERS AROUND CADDO LAKE DURING DUCK SEASON AND A NUMBER OF OTHER THINGS THAT DON’T REQUIRE PHYSICAL LABOR.  DURING THE FALL AND WINTER HE TRAPS FUR ANIMALS AND SELLS THEIR HIDES.  HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN BUYING A LICENSE FOR ANY OF HIS ACTIVITIES.  SO HE HAS TO DO THEM ON THE SHY.   HIS MOON SHINE ACTIVITY DOESN’T TECHNICALLY FALL UNDER OUR RESPONSIBILITY AS GAME WARDENS BUT IN THE COURSE OF TRYING TO CATCH HIM VIOLATING GAME LAWS WE RAN INTO THIS ACTIVITY.  AS LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS IT IS OUR DUTY TO STOP THIS ILLEGAL UNDER TAKING.

 

WELL WE STAYED ON THIS TRAIL UNTIL BUCK STOPPED AND LOOKED OUT INTO THE SWAMP.  THEN HE STARTED WADING INTO THE WATER TOWARD A THICK BUNCH OF CYPRESS TREES.  “WHAT’S HE DOING?’ I ASKED PAT.  “HE SMELLS SOMETHING AND I BET IT’S THAT STILL.”  WAS HIS ANSWER.  WE STARTED WADING AFTER BUCK AND WHEN WE GOT TO THE CYPRESS TREES WE COULD SEE A PLATFORM BUILT IN THE TREES ABOVE THE WATER.  ON THIS PLATFORM WAS A STILL.  BUT NOTHING WAS BEING COOKED RIGHT THEN.  WE STEPPED UP ON THE PLATFORM AND FOUND 12 GALLON JUGS FULL OF MOONSHINE WHISKEY.  “WELL WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?  WE CAN’T PROVE THE STILL BELONGS TO WYATT, EVEN THOUGH WE KNOW IT.  WE CAN’T WATCH THIS THING 24 HOURS A DAY UNTIL HE COMES BACK.  NO TELLING HOW LONG THAT MIGHT BE.”

 

PAT SAID, “WE WILL BUST UP THE STILL AND POUR OUT THE SHINE.  AT LEAST WE CAN INCONVENIENCE HIM.”  SO WE SMASHED UP HIS TANK AND TOOK THE COPPER TUBING AND THREW IT IN THE WATER WHERE HE CAN’T FIND IT.  WE POURED OUT THE CORN AND MAISE AND SUGAR HE HAD IN A 55 GALLON DRUM TO SOUR.  “LET THE FISH AND COONS HAVE IT.” I SAID.  I TAKE OUT MY .357 S&W AND SHOOT THREE HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF THE DRUM.  “OWE” SAID PAT.  “THAT HURT MY EARS.  WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT?”  “OH, DON’T BE SUCH A SISSY,” I SAID.  WHEN BUCK HEARD THE GUN GO OFF HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS DUCK SEASON, BECAUSE HE HIT THE WATER AND STARTED SWIMMING AROUND IN CIRCLES LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO RETRIEVE.  FINALLY ALL HE COULD FIND WAS THE COPPER TUBING WE HAD WADDED UP AND THREW IN THE WATER, SO HE PICKED IT UP AND BROUGHT IT BACK TO THE PLATFORM.  I SAID, “NO BUCK THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT” AND I TOOK IT AWAY FROM HIM AND THREW IT BACK IN THE WATER.  NOW BUCK IS LIKE ANY LABRADOR RETRIEVER, WHEN YOU THROW SOMETHING HE WILL GO RETRIEVE IT AND BRING IT BACK TO YOU.  SO HE JUMPS INTO THE WATER AND SWIMS TO THE COPPER TUBING, TAKES IT IN HIS MOUTH AND BRINGS IT BACK TO ME AGAIN. 

 

NOW I KNOW HE’S JUST DOING WHAT HE THINKS HE IS SUPPOSE TO DO, BUT I’M NOT IN A VERY GOOD MOOD BY NOW AND I’M GETTING FED UP WITH THIS DOG THAT DOESN’T KNOW WHEN TO LET WELL ENOUGH A LONE.  I DRAW MY .357 AND LOOK AT BUCK AND TELL HIM IF HE GOES AFTER THAT COPPER TUBING ONE MORE TIME THERE IS GOING TO BE A DOG FUNERAL AROUND HERE.  HE SITS THERE LOOKING AT ME AND LOOKING AT THE COPPER TUBING AND LOOKING AT MY GUN.  WHEN I THROW THE TUBING THIS TIME, HE JUST SITS THERE.  I TELL PAT MAYBE HE’S SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT.  “NAW” PAT SAYS.  “YOU DIDN’T SHOOT WHEN YOU THREW THE TUBING, SO HE FIGURED YOU WERE TO SLOW AND MISSED YOUR SHOT AND THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO RETRIEVE THIS TIME.” 

 

NEXT WE UNCORKED THE 12 GALLON JUGS AND STARTED POURING THE SHINE INTO THE LAKE.  BUCK TOOK ONE WHIFF OF THE WATER AND SAILED OFF THE PLATFORM AND SWAM TO WHERE WE WERE POURING THE SHINE.  AS WE POURED THE SHINE INTO THE WATER BUCK WOULD LAP UP AS MUCH AS HE COULD.  BY THE TIME WE HAD POURED OUT ALL 12 GALLONS, BUCK HAD DRANK A SIZEABLE AMOUNT OF SHINE ALONG WITH ABOUT A GALLON OF LAKE WATER.  HE HAD TO HAVE HELP GETTING BACK UP ON THE PLATFORM. 

 

WE BROKE ALL THE GLASS JUGS AND WERE READY TO GO BACK TO THE PICKUP.  I STEPPED DOWN INTO THE WATER AND PAT WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. AS WE WALKED AWAY FROM THE PLATFORM, PAT CALLED TO BUCK TO COME ON.  BUCK JUST SAT THERE ON THE PLATFORM AND LOOKED BLANK.  PAT CALLED HIM AGAIN.  NOTHING!  BUCK JUST SAT THERE.  “NOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT STUPID DOG?” I ASKED.  WE WADED BACK TO THE PLATFORM AND WHEN WE GOT CLOSE TO BUCK WE COULD SMELL WHAT WAS WRONG.  HE WAS DRUNK!  HE WAS DRUNK AS A SKUNK.  HIS EYES WERE CROSSED AND HIS HEAD WAS WOBBLING BACK AND FORTH AND HIS TONGUE WAS HANGING OUT THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH.  HE HAD A SILLY GRIN ON HIS FACE LIKE HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY.   HE WAS SO DRUNK, PAT HAD TO CARRY HIM BACK TO THE PICKUP.  NOW THIS DOG WEIGHS 100 POUNDS AND HERE WE ARE 300 HUNDRED YARDS OUT INTO A SWAMP.  WE ARE HAVING TO WADE WATER AND MUD UP TO OUR A-A-ER WAIST.  ALL I CAN SAY IS PAT MUST LOVE THAT DOG AN AWFUL LOT.  HE SLUNG BUCK OVER HIS SHOULDER LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES AND WE STARTED BACK TO THE PICKUP. 

 

“I HOPE WE FIND WYATT BEFORE BUCK WAKES UP.” I SAY.  “HE’S GOING TO HAVE ONE HECK OF A HANG OVER.   IF WE TELL HIM IT’S WYATT’S FAULT, I BET WE CAN GET A CONFESSION OUT OF WYATT IF WE PROMISE NOT TO LET BUCK AT HIM.”  “THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, LET’S GO FIND WYATT.”  PAT GROWLS.  WHEN WE GET BACK TO OUR OLD DODGE PICKUP WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS EMBLEM ON THE DOOR, WE FIND WE HAVE HAD A VISITOR.  ALL FOUR TIRES ARE FLAT.

 

AS I LOOKED AT THOSE FOUR FLATS, I SAID, “NOW WHO DO YOU RECKON DID THAT?”  PAT DUMPED BUCK INTO THE BED OF THE PICKUP AND SAID, “ JUST WHO DO YOU THINK?  WHILE WE WERE OUT THERE WRECKING HIS STILL, HE WAS STICKING HIS KNIFE IN OUR TIRES.  WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE ANY BUSINESS AT THE END OF THIS LOGGING ROAD?”  “YOUR RIGHT,” I SAID “IT’S TWO MILE BACK UP THIS LOGGING ROAD TO THE HARD TOP AND NO ONE ELSE WOULD BE BACK HERE.  SO WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?  WE CAN’T PROVE IT WAS HIM IN COURT.”  PAT GOT THIS FUNNY LOOK ON HIS FACE, NOT FUNNY HA HA, BUT FUNNY, STRANGE.  THEN HE SAID, “DON’T GET MAD, GET EVEN!”

 

I SAID, “THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO IS GET ON THE RADIO AND CALL DISPATCH FOR A SERVICE TRUCK.”  “NOW WAIT A MINUTE” PAT SAID “ THE LAST TIME WE GOT IN TROUBLE AND HAD TO CALL A SERVICE TRUCK, THE CAPTAIN SAID HE WAS GOING TO TAKE THE COST OUT OF OUR PAY CHECKS IF WE DID THAT AGAIN.”  “WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO.”  I ASKED.  PAT THOUGHT FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN SAID, “ONE OF US IS GOING TO HAVE TO WALK BACK TO THE HARDTOP AND CATCH A RIDE TO THE NEAREST TELEPHONE.  THAT WAY WE CAN CALL FOR HELP WITHOUT THE CAPTAIN KNOWING ABOUT IT.”

 

“WELL, JOY JOY, AND JUST WHO IS GOING TO MAKE THAT TWO MILE HIKE?” I ASKED.  “WELL IT WAS ME THAT CAME UP WITH THE IDEA TO KEEP US FROM GETTING INTO TROUBLE WITH THE CAPTAIN.  LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD AT LEAST GO FOR THE HELP.” PAT WHINED.  I SAID, “I’LL FLIP YOU FOR IT, AND REACHED INTO MY POCKET FOR A COIN.”  “OH PUT THAT TWO HEADED QUARTER OF YOURS UP.  I HAVEN’T WON A COIN TOSS WITH YOU IN TEN YEARS.”  PAT SAID.  “I’LL GO.  I CAN CALL MY BROTHER-IN-LAW THAT HAS THAT FILLING STATION-GARAGE AND HAVE HIM BRING OUT FOUR TIRES.  I BET HE HAS SOME USED TIRES LAYING AROUND THAT WONT COST TOO MUCH.”

 

SO OFF PAT GOES UP THE LOGGING ROAD AND LEAVES ME AND BUCK THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WAITING FOR HIM.  I LOOK AROUND FOR A SHADY PLACE TO SIT DOWN AND WAIT.  OVER ON ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD IS A BIG OLD PINE TREE WITH A LOT OF SHADE.  IT ALSO HAS A THICK LAYER OF PINE NEEDLES UNDER IT.  SO I WALK OVER TO THE PINE TREE AND LAY DOWN ON THE PINE NEEDLES AND PUT MY SMOKEY BEAR HAT OVER MY EYES SO I CAN TAKE A NAP.  I HADN’T BEEN THERE BUT A FEW MINUTES WHEN I HEARD BUCK MOVING AROUND IN THE BED OF THE PICKUP.  I SAT UP, PUSHED MY HAT BACK AND LOOKED AT THE PICKUP.  BUCK WAS STANDING UP ON WEAK AND WOBBLEY LEGS LOOKING LIKE HE WAS GOING TO BE SICK.  “NO BUCK,” I HOLLERED, “NOT IN THE PICKUP!”  IT WAS TOO LATE.  HE UPCHUCKED ABOUT A GALLON OF SWAMP WATER AND MOONSHINE IN THE PICKUP BED.  HE STAGGERED OVER TO THE TAILGATE AND STARTED WHINING FOR ME TO LET HIM OUT.  I SHOOK MY HEAD AND COULDN’T HELP FEELING SORRY FOR HIM.  I WENT OVER AND LET THE TAILGATE DOWN AND HE KIND OF FLOWED OUT ONTO THE GROUND.  HE LAID THERE A MINUTE AND THEN MANAGED TO CRAWL OVER TO THE SHADE OF THAT PINE TREE.  “HEY, WAIT A MINUTE THAT’S WHERE I’M LAYING, YOU FIND YOUR OWN SHADE.” 

 

I WALKED OVER AND STARTED TO BOOT HIM OUT OF MY SHADY SPOT, BUT WHEN I GOT CLOSE HE LOOKED UP AT ME AND GROWLED.  I TOOK ONE LOOK AT THOSE BEADY LITTLE EYES AND DECIDED I WAS THE ONE THAT HAD BETTER LOOK FOR ANOTHER SHADY SPOT. 

 

IT WAS GETTING LATE IN THE DAY AND PAT HADN’T COME BACK YET.   IT’S GOING TO BE DARK BEFORE LONG AND I DON’T RELISH BEING DOWN HERE IN THIS SWAMP AFTER DARK.  THE MOSQUITOES ARE AS BIG AS BLACK BIRDS AND THERE ARE A ZILLION OF THEM.  A MAN COULD NEED A BLOOD TRANSFUSION IF HE SPENT THE NIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN DOWN HERE.  I FIGURED I COULD STAY IN THE CAB OF THE PICKUP IF I HAD TO, BUT WHAT ABOUT BUCK?  HE COULDN’T STAY OUTSIDE EITHER AND WE WERE NOT ON THE FRIENDLIEST OF TERMS RIGHT THEN.  BESIDES THAT, HE SMELLED LIKE A SOURED PIG PEN.  FINALLY JUST AS THE SUN WAS GOING DOWN I KNEW IT WAS TIME TO GET THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP ON THE PICKUP AND FORT UP FOR THE NIGHT. 

 

POOR BUCK, HE STOOD THERE NEXT TO THE PICKUP AND WHINED TO BE LET IN.  HE SOUNDED SO PITIFUL I COULDN’T HELP IT.  I OPENED THE DOOR AND LET HIM IN.  HE JUMPED UP ON THE SEAT AND STARTED LICKING ME IN THE FACE.  UGH! HIS BREATH WAS SO STRONG IT WOULD HAVE KNOCKED OVER A MULE.  “BUCK, STOP IT, YOU’VE GOT DRAGON MOUTH.  TWO MORE WHIFFS OF YOUR BREATH AND I’LL PASS OUT!”  WELL, THERE WE SAT.  I WONDERED WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO PAT.  LONG ABOUT MID-NIGHT I GAVE UP ON PAT SHOWING UP UNTIL MORNING.  I SAT THERE WITH ME STOMACH GROWLING AND THINKING ABOUT A BIG PLATTER OF DEEP FRIED CATFISH AND FRENCH FRIES, AND A COUPLE OF COLD BEERS TO WASH THEM DOWN WITH.  BUCK HAD FINALLY SETTLED DOWN AND LAID DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND WENT TO SLEEP.  I DIDN’T KNOW IF HE WAS BELCHING OR FARTING, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN A STRONG AROMA OF SOUR MASH WOULD COME DRIFTING UP FROM THE FLOOR.  I FINALLY DRIFTED OFF TO SLEEP ALSO.

 

NOW AS FOR PAT, HE WALKED OUT TO THE HARDTOP AND FLAGGED DOWN A RIDE.  HE WENT TO HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW’S GARAGE AND TOLD HIM WHAT WE NEEDED. HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW SAID HE HAD SOME OLD TIRES HE WOULD SELL US AT A DISCOUNT AND HE WOULD TAKE THEM DOWN TO THE PICKUP AND MOUNT THEM FOR US.  BUT HE WOULD NOT GO TONIGHT.  HE WOULDN’T GO UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING.  PAT TOLD HIM THAT WAS OK WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WASN’T LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING BACK TO THAT MOSQUITO INFESTED SWAMP AFTER DARK ANYWAY.  SO HE WENT HOME AND TOOK A HOT SHOWER AND HAD A NICE SUPPER WITH HIS WIFE.  HE SLEPT IN HIS BED BETWEEN CLEAN SHEETS AND HAD A GOOD NIGHTS REST.  IF HE THOUGHT OF BUCK AND I, IT DIDN’T SEEM TO BOTHER HIM THAT WE WERE SITTING IN A PICKUP IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP SURROUNDED BY A ZILLION MOSQUITOES.

 

THE SUN WOKE ME UP SHINING THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.  I OPENED THE DOOR AND GOT OUT OF THE PICKUP AND BUCK CRAWLED OUT BEHIND ME.  I WAS SO STOVE UP AND SORE FROM SITTING IN THAT TRUCK ALL NIGHT I COULD HARDLY MOVE.  BUCK WASN’T IN ANY BETTER SHAPE.  WE WALKED AROUND FOR A WHILE UNTIL WE LOOSENED UP OUR SORE MUSCLES.  I WONDERED WHERE PAT WAS.  JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL HE GETS HERE, I’VE GOT A FEW THINGS TO SAY TO HIM.   WELL LONG ABOUT 10:00 O’CLOCK HERE PAT AND HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW COME BARRELING DOWN THE LOG ROAD.  WHEN THEY PULL UP NEXT TO OUR PICKUP, THE FIRST THING PAT SAYS IS, “WHERE IS BUCK?  IS HE ALRIGHT?”  I SAID, “NO, I’M SORRY TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS BUT BUCK GOT SICK LAST NIGHT AND DIED.  YOU CAN SEE IN THE BACK OF THE PICKUP WHERE HE GOT SICK.”  PAT’S FACE TURNED WHITE.  HE WALKED OVER TO THE BACK OF THE PICKUP AND LOOKED IN THE BED.  THEN HE TURNED TO ME AND ASKED IN A VERY SMALL VOICE “WHERE IS HE?”  ABOUT THAT TIME BUCK CAME OUT OF THE BRUSH WHERE HE HAD BEEN FORGING FOR HIS BREAKFAST. WHEN HE SAW PAT HE GAVE A LOUD BARK AND MADE A BEE LINE FOR PAT.  WHEN BUCK GOT TO PAT HE JUMPED  UP ON HIM AND KNOCKED PAT DOWN.  HE WAS LICKING PAT’S FACE LIKE HE HAD FOUND HIS LONG LOST BOTHER.

 

WELL I GUESS IT WAS MEAN TO TELL PAT THAT BUCK WAS DEAD BUT I WASN’T IN A VERY GOOD MOOD FROM BEING LEFT OUT IN THAT SWAMP ALL NIGHT.  NOTHING TO EAT AND NO COFFEE TO WAKE UP WITH THIS MORNING HAD PUT ME IN A SOUR MOOD, TO SAY THE LEST.  I ASK PAT IF HE HAD THOUGHT TO BRING ME SOME COFFEE.  PAT LOOKED KIND OF SHEEPISH AND SAID, “ NO, AFTER I HAD MY BREAKFAST AND DRANK THREE CUPS OF COFFEE, ALL I WAS THINKING ABOUT WAS GETTING SOME MORE TIRES ON THE PICKUP.”  I STARTED TO REACH FOR MY .357 S&W, BUT THEN REMEMBERED THEY HAVE THE DEATH PENALTY IN TEXAS FOR MURDER.

 

WELL WE GOT THE TIRES CHANGED ON THE PICKUP AND WENT BACK TO TOWN.  WE KNEW THAT WYATT WOULD BE LAYING LOW FOR AWHILE, SO WE WENT BACK TO OUR JOB OF PATROLLING CADDO LAKE.  PAT SAID HE WOULD FORGIVE ME FOR TELLING HIM BUCK WAS DEAD IF I WOULD FORGIVE HIM FOR GOING HOME AND SLEEPING IN HIS BED WHILE I WAS STUCK IN THE CAB OF THE PICKUP ALL NIGHT.  WE WASHED OUT THE BED OF THE PICKUP RIGHT GOOD SO YOU COULDN’T SEE ANYTHING, BUT THAT SMELL WAS INDUSTRIAL GRADE.  IT LASTED FOR AT LEAST A MONTH.

 

WE LAUNCHED OUR BOAT AT JOHNSON’S RANCH AND RAN DOWN THE RIVER TOWARD THE DALLAS CADDO CLUB.  IT BEING THE WEEK END, WE KNEW THERE WOULD BE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT BOAT RIDING AND FISHING.  WE HADN’T GONE FAR WHEN WE SAW A BIG BASS BOAT COME FLYING UP RIVER TOWARD US.  THIS GUY HAD A 200 HUNDRED HORSE POWER MOTOR ON A 21 FOOT BOAT AND HE WAS MOVING ON.  HE PASSED BY A LITTLE 12 FOOT JON BOAT WITH A COUPLE OF BLACK LADIES IN IT AND HIS WAKE ALMOST SWAMPED THEM.  AS HE WENT BY US I TRIED TO FLAG HIM DOWN BUT HE JUST KEPT GOING.  I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD OUT RUN US AND GET AWAY. 

 

OUR BOAT WAS A 16 FOOT HEAVY DUTY JON BOAT WITH AN 80 HORSE MOTOR AND IT WOULD RUN 60 mph.  WE CAN KEEP UP WITH ABOUT ANYTHING ON THE LAKE.  I TURNED AROUND AND TURNED ON THE SIREN AND TOOK OUT AFTER THIS GUY.  HE SAW US CHASING HIM AND FIGURED HE COULD OUT RUN US.  HE CUT UP THROUGH TURTLE SHELL AND CAME OUT ON ALLIGATOR BAYOU.  THEN TURNED INTO KITCHEN’S CREEK.  WE WERE STILL BEHIND HIM BUT LOOSING GROUND.  I KNEW THAT KITCHEN’S CREEK MADE A SHARP TURN TO THE LEFT UP AHEAD AND HE WOULD HAVE TO SLOW DOWN FOR THAT TURN.  WE COULD MAKE UP SOME GROUND ON HIM THEN.  JUST BEFORE THE SHARP TURN I TOOK OUT MY .357 S&W AND FIRED OFF A SHOT OVER HIS HEAD.  “OWE” SAID PAT.  “DON’T DO THAT, YOU KNOW IT HURTS MY EARS.”

 

THE GUY LOOKED BACK AT THE SOUND OF THE SHOT AND DIDN’T SEE THE TURN.  HIS BOAT LEFT THE BOAT ROAD AND WENT OUT THROUGH THE TREES.  THERE WAS AN OLD STUMP THAT HAD ROTTED OFF AT THE SURFACE OF THE WATER AND HIS BOAT HIT THIS STUMP.  THE BOAT BECAME AIR BORN AND THE FOOT OF THE MOTOR HIT THE STUMP WITH SUCH FORCE IT SHEERED OFF.  THERE WAS A SMALL GROUP OF CYPRESS TREES JUST IN FRONT OF THE BOAT AND IT PLOWED INTO THEM.  THE BOAT HUNG UP IN THE TREES AND CAME TO AN ABRUPT STOP.  BUT THE DRIVER DIDN’T STOP.  HE FLEW ANOTHER 40 YARDS AND CAME DOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF A PATCH OF LILLY PADS.  HE STOOD UP IN THE WAIST DEEP WATER AND LOOKED BACK AT HIS NEW $25,000. BOAT. IT WAS SITTING UP IN THIS BUNCH OF CYPRESS TREES THREE FEET ABOVE THE WATER.  THE FOOT WAS GONE OFF THE MOTOR AND THERE WAS A TREE TRUNK STICKING THROUGH THE HULL.  THIS GUY WAS STANDING THERE WITH LILY PADS DRAPED ALL OVER HIM AND BAWLING LIKE A BABY.

 

AFTER WE PICKED HIM OUT OF THE WATER WE SAT THERE TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TICKETS TO WRITE HIM.  FINALLY WE DECIDED JUST TO WRITE HIM ONE TICKET FOR OPERATING A WATER CRAFT IN A DANGEROUS AND UNSAFE MANNER SO AS TO ENDANGER OTHERS.  WE FIGURED HE HAD BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH BY DESTROYING HIS BOAT.  

 

WE GAVE HIM A RIDE BACK TO JOHNSON’S RANCH, WHERE HIS PICKUP WAS AND WENT ON WITH OUR PATROLLING.   AFTER AWHILE WE DECIDED WE WANTED A HAMBURGER SO WE WENT OVER TO THE “DEW-DROP” INN.  NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE “DEW-DROP” INN.  IT IS A BEER JOINT BUILT UP IN THE TREES OUT IN THE LAKE.  IT SEEMS THAT WHEN UNCERTAIN WAS INCORPORATED THE CITIZENS ALSO VOTED IT DRY (NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES).  HUGH HANER, A LOCAL CHARACTER, HAD A SMALL BEER JOINT NEXT TO JOHNSON’S RANCH, AND WHEN THE TOWN INCORPORATED IT TOOK IN HUGH’S PLACE.  THIS MEANT HE HAD TO SHUT DOWN.  BUT HUGH WAS NOT THE KIND OF GUY TO GIVE UP SO EASY.

 

HE WENT ACROSS THE CHANNEL FROM JOHNSON’S RANCH AND BUILT A BUILDING UP IN THE CYPRESS TREES OUT IN THE WATER.  THIS WAS OUT OF THE CITY LIMITS OF UNCERTAIN SO HE COULD SELL BEER OVER THERE.  IT HAD A FLOATING DOCK IN FRONT AND YOU MOTORED UP TO THE DOCK, TIED YOUR BOAT UP AND WENT UP FOUR STEPS INTO THE INSIDE.  INSIDE THE ROOM WAS A BAR DOWN ONE SIDE WITH 8 STOOLS IN FRONT OF IT.  THERE WERE TWO OLD RICKETY TABLES WITH CANE BOTTOM CHAIRS.   BEHIND THE BAR WERE TWO COOLER BOXES THAT HUGH KEPT THE BEER AND A FEW SOFT DRINKS IN.  HE ALSO HAD AN OLD BUTANE STOVE WITH A GRILL ON TOP WHERE HE COOKED HAMBURGERS.  HE ALWAYS KEPT SEVERAL LARGE BOWLS OF SALTED POP CORN ON THE BAR.  HE SAID THAT HELPED HIS BEER SALES A BUNCH.

 

WELL PAT AND I WENT IN AND SAT DOWN AT THE BAR.  WE EACH ORDERED A HAMBURGER AND A COKE.  AS WE SAT THERE EATING POP CORN I WATCHED HUGH FIX OUR HAMBURGERS.  HE PUT ON A COUPLE OF MEAT PATTIES AND PUT THE BUNS ON THE GRILL TO TOAST WHERE HE WAS FRYING THE MEAT.   THEY SOAKED UP SOME OF THE GREASE COMING FROM THE MEAT AS THEY TOASTED.  THIS WOULD GIVE THEM SOME FLAVOR.  THEN HE SMEARED A GOOD HELPING OF MUSTARD ON EACH HALF OF THE BUNS.  WHILE HE WAS DOING THIS HE HAD LAID TWO BIG SLICES OF ONION ON THE GRILL NEXT TO THE MEAT.  WHEN THE MEAT WAS DONE HE PUT IT ON THE BUNS AND PUT THE ONIONS ON TOP OF THE MEAT.  THEN HE PUT THREE BIG SLICES OF TOMATO ON THAT AND TOPPED IT OFF WITH SEVERAL LEAVES OF LETTUCE.  NEXT CAME THE BUN TOPS.  THEN HE STUCK AN OVER SIZED TOOTH PICK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HAMBURGERS TO HOLD THEM TOGETHER AND PUT THEM ON A PAPER PLATE.  AFTER WATCHING THIS WORK OF ART MY MOUTH WAS SALIVATING SO BAD I COULD HARDLY WAIT TO GET MY TEETH INTO THAT HAMBURGER.

 

AFTER THAT WILD CHASE WE DECIDED WE WOULD FIND A NICE QUITE SHADY SPOT AND TAKE US A NAP.  WE EASED OFF THE BOAT ROAD INTO THE TREES AT BIRD ISLAND.  WE WORMED OUR WAY THROUGH THE TREES UNTIL WE WERE ON THE INSIDE OF A BUNCH OF CYPRESS TREES AND STOPPED THE MOTOR.  IT WAS QUITE AND PEACEFUL IN HERE AND NO ONE COULD SEE US.  I SAT ON THE BOTTOM OF THE BOAT AND LEANED BACK AGAINST A BOAT CUSHION WITH MY HANDS BEHIND MY HEAD AND MY FEET PROPPED UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BOAT.  PAT LEANED BACK IN THE SEAT AND TOOK HIS BOOTS OFF AND HUNG HIS FEET OVER THE SIDE IN THE WATER.

 

WE SAT THERE LIKE THAT FOR A WHILE AND THEN PAT SAID, “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO GET EVEN WITH WYATT FOR CUTTING UP OUR TIRES?”  “LET’S JUST SHOOT HIM AND GET IT OVER WITH.” I SAID.  “NAW, THAT WOULD BE TO EASY ON HIM.  WE NEED TO MAKE HIM SUFFER.” PAT SAID.  “WELL WE HAVE ALREADY TORE UP HIS STILL.  WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?” I MANAGED TO SAY JUST BEFORE I DRIFTED OFF TO SLEEP. 

 

“HEY, I GOT IT.” PAT HOLLERED.  THAT WOKE ME UP WITH A START.  “GOT WHAT?” I WANTED TO KNOW.  “HOW WE CAN GET EVEN WITH WYATT.  WE KNOW WHERE HE LEAVES HIS SHINE WHEN HE SELLS TO SOME ONE HE DON’T WANT COMING TO HIS HOUSE.”  PAT WAS EXCITED NOW.   “YOU KNOW HE LEAVES A GALLON JUG OF SHINE IN THAT OLD HOLLOW STUMP DOWN BY THE CROSS ROADS AT UNCERTAIN.  THEN, WILL GO BY THERE LATER AND GET HIS MONEY.”  “YOU MEAN WE CAN STEAL HIS MONEY?” I ASKED.  “NO WE CAN PUT HIM OUT OF THE MOON SHINE BUSINESS.” WAS PAT’S ANSWER.  “HOW WE GOING TO DO THAT?” I WANTED TO KNOW.  “NEVER MIND RIGHT NOW. CRANK THIS THING UP AND LETS GO BACK TO THE PICKUP.  WE GOT SOME SHOPPING TO DO.”  PAT PUT HIS BOOTS BACK ON WHILE I MOTORED BACK UP RIVER.

 

WHEN WE GOT BACK TO JOHNSON’S RANCH WE TOOK THE BOAT OUT OF THE WATER.  THEN PAT WANTED TO GO TO A DRUG STORE.  WE DROVE OVER TO WASKUM TO THE DRUG STORE AND PAT WENT IN.  IN A FEW MINUTES HE WAS BACK WITH A SACK.  “WHAT YOU GOT IN THAT SACK?” I WANTED TO KNOW.  “CROTON OIL” PAT SAID.  NOW IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT CROTON OIL IS, IT’S LIKE A VERY VERY STRONG LAXATIVE.  JUST A LITTLE DAB WILL DO YOU.  IT IS ODORLESS, COLORLESS AND TASTELESS.  “WOW, JUST WHAT DO YOU INTEND TO DO WITH THAT?" I ASKED.  "WELL" PAT SAID "IF WE POUR SOME OF THIS IN WYATT’S MOON SHINE, JUST THINK WHAT IT’S GOING TO DO TO THE POOR SLOB WHO DRINKS IT.”  “YEAH, BUT HOW IS THAT GOING TO GET EVEN WITH WYATT?” I ASKED   “YOU KNOW HOW QUICK WORD WILL SPREAD ABOUT WYATT’S SHINE AND WHAT IT DOES TO YOU.”  PAT SAID AS HE LAUGHED.  “WYATT WONT BE ABLE TO GIVE ANY OF HIS SHINE AWAY, MUCH LESS SELL IT.” 

“O-O-O-K, BUT I STILL THINK IT’S PRETTY ROUGH ON THE GUY THAT’S GOING TO DRINK IT.”  “SO WHAT.”  PAT SAYS  “HE SHOULDN’T BE BUYING ILLEGAL WHISKEY ANYWAY.”

 

WE WENT BACK OVER TO UNCERTAIN AND DROVE DOWN THE DIRT ROAD TO THE CROSS ROADS WHERE THAT HOLLOW STUMP IS AND LOOKED IN THE STUMP.  NO WHISKEY!  “WE WILL JUST HAVE TO WATCH IT FOR A FEW DAYS UNTIL WE FIND A JUG IN THE STUMP.” PAT SAID.  WE PUT THE BOTTLE OF CROTON OIL IN THE GLOVE BOX SO WE WOULD HAVE IT WHEN WE NEEDED IT.  “NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?”  I ASKED.  LET’S GO OVER TO MY BROTHER-IN-LAWS PLACE AND SEE WHAT IS GOING ON.”  WAS PAT’S ANSWER.  “HE ALWAYS HEARS ALL THE GOSSIP.”

 

WHEN WE DRIVE UP TO THE GARAGE, I PARK IN THE SHADE OF A BIG SWEET GUM TREE AND WE WALK OVER TO THE FILLIN STATION AND GET A SODA POP OUT OF THE MACHINE.  PAT’S BROTHER-IN-LAW, DALE, IS SITTING IN A CHAIR LEANING BACK AGAINST THE WALL, CHEWING ON A TOOTH PICK.  “HOWDY” DALE DRAWLS “WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TWO FELLERS NOW?”  “NOTHING” I SAY “WE JUST STOPPED TO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK.”  PAT SAID “WHAT’S GOING ON.”  “NOT A DAD BURN THING.  IT’S BEEN SLOW AS MOLASSES THIS MORNING.”  DALE ANSWERED.  “WHERE’S BUCK?  I DIDN’T THINK YOU WENT ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM.”  “AW, HE’S STILL A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER.  SO I LEFT HIM AT HOME.” PAT WHINES.  “ A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER OR STILL HUNG OVER?  GIGGLE GIGGLE.”  SAYS DALE.

 

WELL, AFTER WATCHING THAT HOLLOW STUMP FOR A FEW DAYS WE FOUND A JUG OF WHITE LIGHTEN THERE ONE DAY.  WE POURED OUT ABOUT A CUP FULL AND REFILLED IT WITH CROTON OIL.  “THAT’S GOING TO BE POWERFUL STRONG WITH THAT MUCH CROTON OIL IN IT.”  I SAID  “YEAH, AINT IT THOUGH.  I WANT TO MAKE SURE THIS GUY NEVER FORGETS WHAT WYATT’S SHINE DID TO HIM.” SAYS PAT.  “I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE TELLS EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTY ABOUT IT ALSO.”  WE PUT THE JUG BACK IN THE STUMP AND LEAVE.

 

BUCK IS WITH US AGAIN AND WHEN HE SEE US POUR THE SHINE OUT ON THE GROUND, HE IS RIGHT THERE TRYING TO LAP UP SOME BEFORE IT SOAKS INTO THE DIRT.  THAT DOG WILL NEVER LEARN!  WE DRIVE DOWN TO THE LAKE AND HANG AROUND CURLEY’S CAFÉ AND BAIT HOUSE.  AS PEOPLE COME IN OFF THE LAKE WE CHECK THEIR LIVE BOXES IN THEIR BOATS TO SEE WHAT THEY HAVE CAUGHT.  WE FIND A BOAT WITH TWO UNDER SIZED BLACK BASS AND WRITE THE FISHERMAN A TICKET.  THEN A LITTLE WHILE LATER WE FIND TWO FISHERMEN WITH FOUR BASS OVER THEIR LIMIT AND WRITE THEM A TICKET.  EACH TIME A BOAT COMES IN OFF THE LAKE WE GET BUCK TO SNIFF AROUND IT TO SEE IF THERE IS ANY BOOZE ON BOARD.  ON THIS DAY ALL HE CAN FIND ARE SOME EMPTY BEER CANS. 

 

FINALLY BUCK FINDS A BOAT WITH SEVERAL CANS OF BEER IN A COOLER.  HE STARTS BARKING AT THE COOLER.  THE MEN IN THE BOAT ASKED WHAT HE WAS BARKING AT?  PAT TOLD THEM BUCK HAD FOUND SOME BEER IN THEIR BOAT AND THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS BARKING ABOUT.  THE MAN IN THE FRONT OF THE BOAT SAID, “WELL THAT’S NOT ILLEGAL, IS IT?”  “NO,” SAID PAT “BUCK JUST LIKES BEER.”  “OH” SAID THE MAN, AND HE GOT A BEER OUT OF HIS COOLER AND POPPED THE POP TOP AND POURED IT INTO HIS MINNOW BUCKET.  THEN HE SET THE BUCKET ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF BUCK.  WELL BUCK DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU.  HE JUST POKED HIS HEAD IN THAT MINNOW BUCKET AND STARTED LAPPING UP THAT BEER.  HIS TAIL WAS WAGGING SO HARD THAT WHEN IT HIT MY LEG IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE HAD HIT ME WITH A BASE BALL BAT. 

 

LONG ABOUT 2:00 O’CLOCK WE WENT INTO CURLEY’S CAFÉ FOR SOME LUNCH.  CURLEY HAD AN ALL YOU CAN EAT CATFISH DINNER THAT WE LIKED TO BELLY UP TO.  HE SERVED IT FAMILY STYLE.  FIRST THEY BROUGHT A BIG PLATTER OF SLICED ONIONS, PICKLES, TOMATOES, OLIVES AND JALAPENO PEPPERS.  THEN THEY BROUGHT A LARGE BOWL OF FRENCH FRIED POTATOES AND LAST THEY BROUGHT A BIG PLATTER OF FRIED CATFISH.  ON THIS DAY HE ASKED US WHAT WE WANTED TO DRINK, BUT SAID HE HAD SOMETHING NEW HE WANTED US TO TRY IF WE WOULD.  “OK” WE SAID AND HE BROUGHT A BIG PITCHER OF PINK LEMON AID.  WHEN I TASTED THE LEMON AID IT SURE WAS GOOD AND I TOLD HIM SO.  HE JUST GRINNED.  IF THE BOWL OF TATERS OR THE PLATTER OF FISH GOT LOW THEY WOULD TAKE IT BACK TO THE KITCHEN AND REFILL IT. 

 

WELL, PAT AND I HAVE EATEN TWO PLATTERS OF FISH AND A BUNCH OF TATERS AND WE HAD DRANK TWO PITCHERS OF THAT LEMON AID.  WHEN WE GOT READY TO LEAVE CURLEY ASKED US HOW WE LIKED HIS SPECIAL LEMON AID.  I TOLD HIM IT WAS THE BEST LEMON AID I HAD EVER DRANK AND PAT AGREED.  AS WE WALKED OUT TO GET IN THE PICKUP I NOTICED PAT WAS WALKING A LITTLE UNSTEADY.  I ASKED HIM IF ANYTHING WAS WRONG AND HE SAID, “HECK NO, I NEVER FELT BETTER.”  WE DROVE BACK UP THE ROAD A LITTLE PIECE AND FOUND A SHADE TREE AND PARKED.  PAT WENT OVER BY THE TREE AND LAY DOWN ON THE GRASS.  BUCK JUMPED OUT OF THE BED OF THE PICKUP AND CAME OVER AND SMELLED PAT’S BREATH.  BY THIS TIME I WAS STRETCHED OUT ON THE SEAT AND SOUND ASLEEP.

 

WELL WE MUST HAVE SLEPT OVER TWO HOURS, BECAUSE WHEN WE WOKE UP IT WAS ALMOST 6:00 O’CLOCK.  TIME TO GO HOME.  WE BOTH HAD A KING SIZE HEADACHE.  I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST BECAUSE WE HAD EATEN SO MUCH AND THEN GONE TO SLEEP ON A FULL STOMACH. ANYWAY PAT DROPPED ME OFF AT MY HOUSE AND HE AND BUCK WENT ON HOME.

 

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN HE PICKED ME UP HE LOOKED A LITTLE GREEN AROUND THE GILLS.  I SAID, “PAT IF I DIDN’T KNOW YOU AS WELL AS I DO, I WOULD SAY YOU HAVE A HANGOVER.  PAT JUST SHRUGGED AND PUT HIS DARK GLASSES ON.  BUT BEFORE HE DID I GOT A LOOK AT HIS EYES.  THEY LOOKED LIKE TWO POOLS OF TOMATO JUICE WITH A BLACK OLIVE IN EACH.  HE SAID HIS HEAD FELT AS BIG AS A WATERMELON THIS MORNING AND ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS GO OVER TO CURLEY’S AND GET A CUP OF COFFEE.  “I’LL SIT INSIDE OUT OF THE SUN AND YOU CAN CHECK A FEW BOATS AS THEY COME IN.” PAT GROANED.   “THAT’S OK BY ME.  BUT I WISH I KNEW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU.”

 

WHEN WE WALKED INTO CURLEY’S CAFÉ, CURLEY WAS SITTING BEHIND HIS COUNTER READING THE NEWS PAPER.  AS WE OPENED THE DOOR HE LOOKED UP AND SAID, "I DIDN'T FIGURE YOU BOYS WOULD BE OUT TODAY. DID YOU COME BACK FOR SOME MORE OF THE LEMON AID?”  PAT GROWLED, “NO, GIVE ME A CUP OF COFFEE.”  CURLEY DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ELSE, HE JUST DREW TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND BROUGHT THEM OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE WE HAD SAT DOWN.  PAT SAT THERE WITH HIS DARK SHADES ON AND DRANK HIS COFFEE.  WHEN I FINISHED MY COFFEE, I GOT UP AND WENT OUT TO THE PICKUP.  I TOLD BUCK TO COME ON WE WERE GOING TO CHECK A FEW BOATS.  HE WAS ALL FOR THAT.  HE THOUGHT HE MIGHT FIND SOME MORE BEER.  BUT AFTER CHECKING SEVERAL BOATS NEITHER OF US WERE HAVING ANY LUCK.  I WASN’T FINDING ANY VIOLATIONS AND BUCK WASN’T FINDING ANY BEER. 

 

SO WE WENT IN THE BAIT HOUSE AND SAT DOWN TO TALK TO WAYNE, THE GUY CURLEY HAD RUNNING THE BAIT HOUSE.  BUCK WALKED AROUND FOR AWHILE AND THEN STUCK HIS NOSE IN THE TROUGH THAT HAD CRAYFISH IN IT.  A BIG CRAYFISH GRABBED HIS NOSE WITH HIS PINCHER AND WOULDN’T LET GO.  BUCK LET OUT A BLOOD CURDLING HOWL AND RAN FOR THE DOOR, THAT OLD CRAYFISH STILL HANGING ON HIS NOSE.  JUST AS HE GOT TO THE DOOR A CUSTOMER WAS COMING IN TO BUY SOME MINNOWS.  NOW I’VE TOLD YOU BUCK WEIGHED 100 POUNDS AND WHEN HE WENT THROUGH THAT DOOR THE SAME TIME THE CUSTOMER WAS TRYING TO COME IN YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED.

 

THE GUY WAS KNOCKED FLAT ON HIS BACK, HIS MINNOW BUCKET WENT FLYING, AND BUCK WENT RACING FOR THE PICKUP,  HOWLING LIKE A BANSHEE.  BUCK JUMPED UP IN THE BED OF THE PICKUP AND LAY COWERING UNDER THE TOOL BOX.  SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY THE CRAYFISH HAD FALLEN OFF HIS NOSE.

 

AS IT GOT CLOSE TO LUNCH TIME BOATS STARTED COMING IN OFF THE LAKE BY THE DOZENS.  NO ONE WAS TAKING THEIR BOAT OUT OF THE WATER, THEY WERE JUST COMING IN TO EAT LUNCH.  I’VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE COME TO CURLEY’S FOR LUNCH.  WHEN I WENT BACK UP TO THE CAFÉ THERE WAS A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICKUPS AND CARS OUT FRONT.  WHEN I WENT INSIDE THE PLACE WAS PACKED.  I FOUND PAT SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM WITH TWO GUYS WE KNEW.  THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW CURLEY HAD INCREASED HIS BUSINESS SINCE HE STARTED SELLING THAT PINK LEMON AID. 

 

NOW I MAY BE SLOW BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A 2X4 FOR ME TO PUT 2 AND 2 TOGETHER.  CURLEY WAS SPIKING HIS LEMON AID WITH MOONSHINE.  IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE BUT US TWO OLD DUMB GAME WARDENS ALREADY KNEW THAT.  PAT IS A “TEE-TOTALER” AND HAD DRANK MOST OF THAT PITCHER OF LEMON AID YESTERDAY.  THIS EXPLAINS WHY HE ACTED THE WAY HE DID AFTER WE HAD EATEN LUNCH.  WELL WE COULDN’T CARE LESS WHAT CURLEY WAS DOING WITH HIS LEMON AID.  AS WE SAT THERE TALKING, ALL OF A SUDDEN A GUY AT THE NEXT TABLE JUMPED UP SO QUICK HE KNOCKED OVER HIS CHAIR.  HE MADE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM.  BEFORE HE GOT THERE SOMEONE SITTING AT A TABLE NEXT TO THE BATHROOM JUMPED UP AND RAN INTO THE BATHROOM .  THE FIRST GUY LOOKED AROUND WITH PANIC IN HIS EYES AND HEADED FOR THE LADIES BATHROOM.  ABOUT THAT TIME FOUR MORE PEOPLE JUMPED UP AND RAN TO THE BATHROOM DOORS BUT THEY WERE LOCKED FROM THE INSIDE AND THEY COULDN’T GET IN.  THEY ALL MADE A BEE LINE FOR THE FRONT DOOR AND THERE WAS A MAD SCRAMBLE TO SEE WHO COULD GET OUT FIRST.

 

THEN THE WHOLE ROOM ERUPTED INTO CHAOS.  EVERY ONE WAS TRYING TO GET OUT THE DOOR AT THE SAME TIME.  CHAIRS WERE OVER TURNED, TABLES WERE PUSHED ASIDE, DISHES WERE PUSHED OFF ON THE FLOOR AND BROKEN, EVERYONE WAS HOLLERING AND CUSSING.  PAT AND I STOOD UP AND BACKED UP AGAINST THE WALL OUT OF THE WAY.  PAT SAID  “WHAT IS GOING ON?   WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE?”  “I DON’T KNOW, BUT I’M STAYING OUT OF THE WAY UNTIL ITS OVER.”  I SCREAMED.  THERE WERE TWO GUYS ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR, GROANING AND HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS.  I NOTICED THEY HAD DIRTIED THEIR PANTS. 

 

I SAID “PAT, I KNOW WHO WYATT’S CUSTOMER WAS FOR THAT MOONSHINE WE DOCTORED WITH THE CROTON OIL.”  “YOU MEAN” PAT STARTED TO SAY.  “YEP” I SAID,  “IT WAS CURLEY.  I’M GLAD HE DIDN’T HAVE THAT DOCTORED UP SHINE YESTERDAY WHEN WE DRANK HIS LEMON AID.”  “AIN’T IT THE TRUTH.” PAT SAID.

 

WELL THE CROTON OIL DID PUT SOME ONE OUT OF BUSINESS, BUT IT WASN’T WYATT.  IT WAS CURLEY.  NO ONE WOULD EAT IN HIS PLACE AFTER THAT.  THE BAD THING ABOUT IT WAS HE COULDN’T TELL ANYONE WHO HAD SOLD HIM THE BAD MOONSHINE.  IF HE HAD ADMITTED HE WAS PUTTING MOONSHINE IN HIS LEMON AID HE COULD HAVE GOT IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.  ALTHOUGH EVERYBODY KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING NO ONE WOULD TALK ABOUT IT.

 

AFTER EVERY THING QUIETED DOWN WHERE PAT AND I COULD GET OUT OF CURLEY’S WITHOUT GETTING RUN OVER OR KNOCKED DOWN, WE WENT OUT SIDE AND GOT IN OUR PICKUP AND LEFT.  IT WAS BEGINNING TO SMELL PRETTY RANK AROUND THERE ANYWAY.  PAT SAID HE WOULD DRIVE.  I HATE IT WHEN PAT DRIVES AND BUCK RIDES IN THE CAB WITH US.  HE ALWAYS GETS TO SIT BY THE WINDOW AND I HAVE TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE.  AS WE ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD HE LIKES TO STICK HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND LET THE WIND BLOW IN HIS FACE. 

 

HERE’S THIS PICKUP GOING DOWN THE ROAD WITH THE HEAD OF A BIG BLACK DOG STICKING OUT THE WINDOW.  THE WIND IS BLOWING HIS LIPS BACK SO HE LOOKS LIKE HE HAS A SILLY GRIN ON HIS FACE.  HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH WITH SLOBBER STREAMING BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER.  HIS EARS ARE FLOPPING UP AND DOWN LIKE A BIRD’S WINGS.  AS PEOPLE LOOK UP AND SEE THIS PICKUP GOING BY WITH THE STATE OF TEXAS EMBLEM ON THE DOOR AND THIS DOG WITH HIS HEAD STICKING OUT THE WINDOW, THEY THINK.  “AND THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSE TO SERVE AND PROTECT US?”

 

                                                      THE END

 

 

  BY LOREN MOORE

COPYRIGHT 1999

 

 

LOREN

 SEE YA

BACK GROUND....CADDO AT SUNRISE

 

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