I’M NOT SAYING MY WIFE,
JOHNNIE, IS GETTING ABSENT MINDED BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT THAT MAKES ME WONDER. THREE OF MY OLD HUNTING AND
FISHING BUDDIES WERE GOING TO THE ARLINGTON SPORTSMAN’S CLUB
ANNUAL AWARDS BANQUET WITH ME. BECAUSE IT WAS A SPORTSMAN’S
CLUB WE DECIDED ALL FOUR OF US WOULD WEAR OUR CAMO HUNTING
CLOTHES. MY WIFE THOUGHT THAT WAS SILLY. YOU WILL BE THE
ONLY ONES THERE WITHOUT A SUIT AND TIE. THAT DIDN’T MAKE A
BIT OF DIFFERENCE TO FOUR "DIED-IN-THE-WOOL" HUNTERS LIKE
US. BESIDES NONE OF US LIKED TO WEAR SUITS AND TIES ANYWAY.
WE GATHERED UP AT MY
HOUSE THE NIGHT OF THE BANQUET ALL DRESSED UP IN OUR FINEST
CAMO HUNTING CLOTHES READY FOR THE BIG NIGHT. EVERYONE WAS
EXCITED AND READY TO GO.
JUST AS WE STARTED OUT
THE DOOR MY WIFE HOLLERS WAIT A MINUTE YOU IDIOTS, I MADE
SOME "AR-DOO-IES’ AND YOUR NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU EAT
EVERYONE OF THEM. SHE MADE US SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE ON THE
FRONT PORCH AND SHE SERVED HER "AR-DOO-IES." I NOTICED THE
NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET STARING AT THE FOUR MEN IN CAMO
CLOTHING SITTING ON MY FRONT PORCH EATING. I WONDERED IF
THEY WOULD CALL THE POLICE AND REPORT A NEW MILITIA GROUP.
BUT BACK TO MY WIFE
BEING ABSENT MINDED OR MAYBE IT’S "OLD TIMERS
DISEASE" WHO KNOWS.
AFTER WE HAD BEEN GONE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR JOHNNIE NOTICED
THAT JEFF HAD LEFT THE LIGHTS ON IN HIS PICKUP. SHE DECIDED
SHE WOULD TURN THEM OFF SO THEY WOULDN’T RUN HIS BATTERY
DOWN. SHE WENT OUT TO JEFF’S PICK UP GRABBED THE DOOR HANDLE
AND PULLED. "0H P00" SHE THOUGHT, IT’S LOCKED. BUT THAT
WASN’T THE ONLY PROBLEM. WHEN SHE PULLED ON THE DOOR HANDLE
THE ALARM WENT OFF. LIGHTS STARTED FLASHING OFF AND ON, THE
HORN STARTED BLOWING, AND A VOICE WAS SAYING, "STOP CROOK OR
I’LL SHOOT!"
WELL I GUESS THOSE
NEIGHBORS HAD CALLED THE POLICE AFTER ALL BECAUSE JUST AS
ALL THIS WAS HAPPENING A SQUAD CAR PULLED UP. HEARING A LOUD
VOICE HOLLERING STOP CROOK OR I’LL SHOOT. BOTH COPS JUMPED
OUT OF THE SQUAD CAR, DREW THEIR GUNS, AND SHOUTED FREEZE!
MY WIFE DID JUST THAT. NOT BECAUSE OF THE COP’S ORDER BUT
BECAUSE THE ALARM SCARED THE "DO-DO" OUT OF HER. IT TOOK AN
HOUR TO CONVINCE THEM THAT THERE WAS NO MALITIA GROUP AND
SHE WAS NOT STEALING JEFF’S PICKUP.
IF THERE’S ONE THING
JOHNNIE IS, IT’S STUBBORN. SHE SET OUT TO TURN
OFF THE LIGHTS IN
JEFF’S PICKUP AND SHE WAS GOING TO DO JUST THAT EVEN IF IT
HAIRLIPPED THE PRESIDENT. SHE CALLED ONE OF THE GUY’S WIFE
AND ASK HER TO COME DRIVE HER OVER TO THE BANQUET TO GET
JEFF’S KEYS.
WHEN JANIE GOT TO OUR
HOUSE THEY GOT INTO HER CAR AND SHE ASK
WHERE TOO. JOHNNIE TOLD
HER "OVER TO THE COLLEGE. I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WENT IT
WAS IN HEREFORD HALL AT THE COLLEGE." SO JANIE ZIPS OVER TO
HEREFORD HALL. THEY DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE PARKING LOT
LOOKING FOR A PARKING SPACE. THAT’S FUNNY SAID JOHNNIE I
DON’T SEE THE ICE CREAM TRUCK. (THAT’S WHAT SHE CALLS MY
PICKUP.) I’VE GOT A HOME MADE CAMPER ON MY PICKUP. THE
PICKUP IS RED AND THE CAB OVER CAMPER IS WHITE. ONE OF MY
OTHER BUDDIES, NAMED PAT, THAT WAS IN OUR "MALITIA GROUP"
WAS A WELDER AND HAD MADE IT FOR ME. BUT THAT’S A WHOLE
NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.
NOT FINDING A PARKING
SPACE, JANIE PULLS TO THE CURB RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HALL
WHERE JOHNNIE SAID THE BANQUET WAS BEING HELD JOHNNIE JUMPED
OUT OF THE CAR INTENDING TO RUN IN, FIND OUR TABLE, AND GET
JEFF’S KEYS. JUST AS MY WIFE WAS GETTING OUT OF THE CAR UP
WALKS THIS POLICEMAN WHO SAYS, LADIES YOU CAN’T PARK THERE.
NOW JOHNNIE’S A LITTLE
OLD LADY OF 65 AND SHE IS GETTING ABSENT MINED
OR SOMETHING. SHE ALSO
HAS A SHORT FUSE WHEN THINGS AREN’T GOING HER WAY. TONIGHT
THINGS DEFIANTLY WERE NOT GOING HER WAY. SHE TURNED AROUND
FACING THIS POLICEMAN AND SAID, LISTEN YOU BIG CITY SOLDER
THIS HAS NOT BEEN ONE OF MY BETTER DAYS. IF YOU DON’T GET
OUT OF MY WAY I’M GOING TO TURN YOU OVER MY KNEE AND GIVE
YOU THE SPANKING OF YOUR LIFE. THIS SIX FOOT TALL, 200 POUND
POLICEMAN WAS SO TAKEN ABACK HIS MOUTH DROPPED OPEN. HE TOOK
JOHNNIE’S ARM AND SAID, "YESUM, LET ME HELP YOU UP THE
STEPS. YOU’LL CAN PARK THERE AS LONG AS YOU WANT."
JOHNNIE WENT INTO THE
BUILDING AND OVER TO THE DOOR OF THE BANQUET
ROOM. WHAT SHE SAW WAS
A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE HAVING FUN BY THE CAR
LOAD. THEY WERE DANCING
AND SINGING. THIS CONFUSED HER. SHE DIDN’T
REMEMBER ANY DANCING AT
OUR PAST BANQUETS. MAYBE THEY DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING
DIFFERENT THIS YEAR, SHE THOUGHT. SHE COULDN’T SEE ME WITH
ALL THE PEOPLE DANCING SO SHE STEPS INTO THE ROOM AND SHOUTS
"LOREN, ARE YOU IN HERE?" THE MUSIC IS SO LOUD THAT NO ONE
PAYS HER ANY ATTENTION. NOW THE POLICEMAN HAD GONE WITH HER
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY TO HELP HER IN ANYWAY THAT HE COULD.
BEFORE HE KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING JOHNNIE REACHED OVER,
SNATCHED THE POLICEMAN’S REVOLVER OUT OF HIS HOLSTER AND
FIRED A SHOT IN THE AIR.
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THE
ROOM BECAME INSTANTLY QUIET. JOHNNIE YELLS,
"LOREN IF YOUR IN HERE
YOU BETTER ANSWER ME!" THE POLICEMAN FINALLY COMES OUT OF
HIS "STUPOR" AND GRABS HIS GUN OUT OF JOHNNIE’S HAND. HE
HUSTLES HER OUT OF THE BUILDING, PUSHES HER INTO THE CAR
WITH JANIE AND YELLS GO! ALL JANIE KNOWS IS SHE HEARD A
SHOT. THEN SEES THIS WILD EYED COP HUSTLING JOHNNIE TO THE
CAR. HE ALL BUT THROWS HER INTO THE CAR AND YELLS GO. JANIE
DOESN’T TAKE TIME TO ASK QUESTIONS SHE JUST BURNS RUBBER FOR
A BLOCK GETTING OUT OF THERE.
AFTER THEY’RE BACK AT
THE HOUSE AND HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE IN THEIR
HANDS JANIE ASK "WHAT
HAPPENED BACK THERE?" ALL JOHNNIE WOULD SAY WAS, "I DON’T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT." JANIE ASKED HER IF SHE FOUND LOREN.
"I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT." " WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
ABOUT THE LIGHTS BEING LEFT ON IN JEFF’S PICKUP," JANIE ASK.
"I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!"
LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN I
GOT HOME FROM THE LA QUINTA MOTOR INN WERE OUR BANQUET WAS
HELD THIS YEAR JOHNNIE AND JANIE WERE SITTING IN THE DEN
DRINKING COFFEE. I ASK THEM HOW THEY HAD SPENT THEIR
EVENING. TOGETHER THEY SAID, "I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT."
STRANGE!