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HOME ALONE

 

 

 

WELL I'M HOME ALONE AGAIN.  OH NOT EXACTLY ALONE, LITTLE FOX IS WITH ME.  JOHNNIE'S ON THE ROAD AGAIN.  SHE CAUGHT A HAND FULL OF AIRPLANE AND WENT OFF TO DENVER.  HER COUSIN, THAT LIVES UP THERE IS HAVING KNEE SURGERY AND SHE IS GOING UP TO HELP HIM FOR TWO WEEKS. SO THAT LEAVES ME AT HOME ALONE.

 

HER COUSIN'S NAME IS ELMER AND HE LIVES BY HIMSELF.  HE HAS THIS BIG HOUSE ON THREE LEVELS AND HE WON'T BE ABLE TO GO UP STAIRS FOR A WHILE.  JOHNNIE HAS BEEN UP THERE SO MUCH THE LAST TWO YEARS THAT HE HAS DESIGNATED ONE OF THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOMS AS "JOHNNIE'S ROOM."

 

JOHNNIE THINKS SHE HAS TO GO HELP THOSE OLD FOLKS ANYTIME SOME OF HER KINFOLK CALL.  WELL ELMER IS 74 YEARS OLD.  BUT SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL JOHNNIE THAT SHE IS 70 YEARS OLD.  BUT I'M SURE NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE.  SHE'S KIND OF TOUCHY ABOUT THE SUBJECT.

 

BEFORE SHE LEFT SHE BOUGHT SOME MATERIAL TO MAKE CURTAINS FOR ONE OF ELMER'S BATHROOMS.  YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD HER HOT ROD THAT SEWING MACHINE.  IF SHE DRIVES HER CAR LIKE SHE DRIVES THAT SEWING MACHINE, SHE'S GOING TO GET A TICKET ONE OF THESE DAYS FOR SPEEDING.  IT WILL PROBABLY BE FOR GOING 85 IN A 30-MPH ZONE.

 

LITTLE FOX MISSES JOHNNIE AS MUCH AS I DO.  SHE WILL PACE THE FLOOR AND GO LOOK IN JOHNNIE'S ROOM FOR HER.  THEN SHE WILL COME INTO THE OFFICE WHERE I'M ON THE COMPUTER AND SIT DOWN AND WHINE.  I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS.  I WOULD WHINE TOO IF IT WOULD GET JOHNNIE HOME ANY EARLIER.

 

AFTER JOHNNIE HAD BEEN AT ELMER'S HOUSE FOR FOUR DAYS SHE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME ABOUT ALL THE GOOD FOOD SHE HAD BEEN COOKING HIM.  SHE SAID SHE HAD MADE THEM A SALMAGUNDI SALAD PLATE FOR THEIR SUPPER.  BOY DID THAT HURT.  HERE LITTLE FOX AND I HAD BEEN EATING FROZEN TV DINNERS OUT OF THE FREEZER.   I DO MANAGE TO COOK MY EGGS AND BACON FOR BREAKFAST BUT HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU EAT BACON AND EGGS A DAY?

 

 

WHEN JOHNNIE HAD LEFT I HAD TWO GALLONS OF MILK IN THE REFRIGERATOR.  NOW I REALLY LIKE MILK SO I HAD BEEN DRINKING IT AT EVERY MEAL.   WELL AFTER DAY SIX I WAS OUT OF MILK.  I STARTED CALLING AROUND TO THE NEIGHBORS TO SEE WHO WOULD BE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE THAT DAY.  MY EYESIGHT IS SO BAD THAT I CAN'T DRIVE ANYMORE.

 

FIRST I CALLED MARYLYN NEXT DOOR, BUT SHE WASN'T HOME.  THEN I CALLED DELIA ACROSS THE STREET, BUT HER NEW BABY WAS SICK AND SHE COULDN'T GO.  THEN I CALLED MELBA NEXT DOOR, BUT I DIDN'T GET AN ANSWER THERE EITHER.  THEN I REMEMBERED SHE HAD GONE TO WORK.

 

I THOUGHT ABOUT CALLING MY GRANDDAUGHTER, BUT THAT WAS SILLY.  SHE LIVES 120 MILES FROM ME.  NOW I'M GETTING DESPERATE.  THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT BEING OUT OF MILK THE MORE I WANTED MILK.  I WONDERED HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO CALL A CAB AND HAVE THEM GO BY KROGER AND BRING ME TWO GALLONS OF MILK.

 

 

NAW, THEY WOULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT THE MONEY UP FRONT AND BESIDES THAT WOULD MAKE THE MILK COST $10 OR $12 A GALLON.  THAT'S A LITTLE STEEP FOR A GUY ON SOCIAL SECURITY.  THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEONE THAT WILL GO GET ME SOME MILK.  IT WAS BECOMING AN OBSESSION NOW.  I HAD TO HAVE MILK!

 

I KNOW I'LL DIAL 911 AND TELL THEM WHAT MY EMERGENCY IS.  I KNOW IT'S RISKY TO GO OUT ON A LIMB BUT THAT'S WHERE THE FRUIT IS. WHEN I DIALED 911 THIS OPERATOR CAME ON AND SAID, "WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?"  I TOLD HER I WAS OUT OF MILK.  THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE AND THEN SHE SAID,  "SAY THAT AGAIN."  I TOLD HER I WAS OUT OF MILK.  SHE HUNG UP ON ME.  AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE I GUESS I WAS LUCKY SHE DIDN'T SEND THE POLICE BUT THEN AGAIN MAYBE I COULD HAVE TALKED THEM INTO GOING AFTER ME SOME MILK.

 

I WONDERED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I CALLED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT OR HOT MEALS ON WHEELS OR THE SENIOR CITIZENS CENTER.  "LITTLE FOX IF YOU WERE BIGGER MAYBE I COULD TIE A NOTE AND SOME MONEY ON YOUR COLLER AND SEND YOU TO THE STORE."  BOY I MUST BE GOING CRAZY. 

 

ABOUT THAT TIME THE DOORBELL RANG.  WHEN I ANSWERED THE DOOR, IT WAS JAMES FROM ACROSS THE STREET.  HE SAID "LOREN WE'RE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND WONDERED IF YOU NEED ANYTHING."  WELL I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO HUG HIM OR SHAKE HIS HAND.  I SAID "AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU CAN GET ME FOUR GALLONS OF MILK."  "FOUR GALLONS!" HE SAID.  "ARE YOU TAKING A BATH IN THAT STUFF?"

 

 

I'VE GOT 8 MORE DAYS UNTIL JOHNNIE COMES BACK AND I'M NOT TAKING A CHANCE OF RUNNING OUT OF MILK AGAIN.  BUT WHAT I DID RUN OUT OF WAS … OH WHAT THE HECK THAT'S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.

 

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  BY LOREN MOORE

COPYRIGHT 2003

LOREN

 GOTTA GO - SEE YA

WELCOME HOME JOHNNIE

 

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