SECRET
WEAPON
ONCE UPON A TIME (YES
THIS IS A FAIRY TALE) I PLAYED GOLF. WELL THAT MAY BE STRETCHING
IT A BIT. MAYBE I SHOULD SAY I TRIED TO PLAY GOLF. I WENT TO THE
GOLF COURSE WITH SOME OF MY BUDDIES FROM THE GENERAL MOTORS PLANT
WHERE I WORKED.
ONE SUNDAY AFTERNOON
WHEN I WAS WATCHING TV THERE WAS A GOLF TOURNAMENT ON. I THINK
THEY CALLED IT THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT. THERE WAS A LOT OF DRAMA.
THERE WERE THREE OR FOUR PLAYERS JUST A STROKE OR TWO APART FOR
THE LEAD. JOHNNIE WAS WATCHING WITH ME. SHE WASN'T WATCHING FOR
THE GOLF. SHE WAS WATCHING THE WOMEN IN THE CROWD AND HOW THEY
WERE DRESSED. BUT THAT'S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT
TIME.
ANYWAY I'M WATCHING
THIS GOLF TOURNAMENT AND ON THE 16TH HOLE AL GIEBERGER IS ONE SHOT
OFF THE LEAD. WHILE HE IS WAITING ON THE 16TH TEE HE GOES OVER TO
HIS CADDIE AND TAKES A SANDWICH OUT OF HIS GOLF BAG AND EATS IT.
THE ANNOUNCER MAKES A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. HE SAYS AL GEIBERGER
CARRIES A SECRET WEAPON IN HIS GOLF BAG. A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH!
MY WIFE LAUGHS AT
THIS. “HOW CAN A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH HELP HIS GOLF GAME,” SHE
ASK? WELL I CAN'T ANSWER HER QUESTION BUT A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH
SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. I LIKE PEANUT BUTTER. I GO TO THE KITCHEN AND
MAKE ME A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH AND GET ME A GLASS OF MILK TO
WASH IT DOWN WITH. I THINK MAYBE A FEW POTATO CHIPS WILL GO GOOD
WITH MY SANDWICH.
BY THE TIME I GET MY
SANDWICH, POTATO CHIPS, AND GLASS OF MILK AND RETURN TO THE DEN
THE GOLF TOURNAMENT IS OVER. AL GEIBERGER HAS WON BY ONE STROKE.
THE ANNOUNCER IS SAYING THE SECRET WEAPON (THE PEANUT BUTTER
SANDWICH) WORKED ONCE AGAIN! I ASK MY WIFE WHAT HAPPENED. SHE
DIDN'T KNOW, SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT HITTING A LITTLE BALL,
CHASING IT DOWN THAT LAWN, AND HITTING IT AGAIN. ALL SHE KNEW WAS
THE ANNOUNCER SAID HE ATE A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH AND WON THE
TOURNAMENT.
THE NEXT WEEK AFTER
WORK FOUR OF THE MEN I WORK WITH WERE GOING TO THE LAKE ARLINGTON
GOLF COURSE TO PLAY NINE HOLES. THEY ASK ME TO GO WITH THEM. SO
WEDNESDAY MORNING I LOADED MY GOLF CLUBS IN MY PICKUP BEFORE I
WENT TO WORK. I TOLD JOHNNIE NOT TO FIX ME ANY SUPPER BECAUSE I
WAS GOING TO GO PLAY GOLF WITH THE GUYS WHEN WE GOT OFF WORK. I
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TIME WE WOULD BE THROUGH AND I WOULD GET HOME.
WHEN WE GOT TO THE
GOLF COURSE I UNLOADED MY CLUBS AND WAS WALKING TOWARD THE FIRST
TEE WHEN HOMER ASK ME WHAT KIND OF CLUBS I HAD? JUST THE REGULAR
KIND I TOLD HIM. I BOUGHT THEM IN A GARAGE SALE FOR $20 AND THE
MAN THREW IN A DOZEN GOLF BALLS FOR FREE. THEY WERE USED BUT I
FIGURED THEY WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. HE HAD A WHOLE SACK FULL
HE WAS SELLING FOR 10¢ EACH. SO I BOUGHT 10 OF THE BRIGHT ORANGE
ONES, THAT GAVE ME 22 ALL TOGETHER. THAT SHOULD BE ALL I WOULD
EVER NEED.
WE ALL HIT OUR BALLS
OFF THE FIRST TEE AND I'M USING ONE OF MY ORANGE BALLS SO I CAN
TELL MINE FROM EVERYONE ELSE'S. I NOTICED SOME OF THE GUYS GIVING
ME A STRANGE LOOK WHEN I TEE'ED UP AN ORANGE BALL BUT I THOUGHT IT
WAS BECAUSE THEY WERE JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY. ANYWAY
THE FIRST HOLE WAS A PAR 4 AND I MADE A 7. NOT BAD FOR A BEGINNER
I SAY. THE SECOND HOLE IS ALSO A PAR 4 AND I MADE AN 8. OK SO I'M
STILL LEARNING. THE THIRD HOLE IS A PAR 5 AND AFTER GETTING OFF A
COUPLE OF GOOD WHACKS I MADE A 7. HOORAY! A DOUBLE BOGIE. THAT'S
THE BEST I'VE DONE TODAY.
AS WE WERE HEADING
FOR THE TEE BOX ON THE 4TH HOLE WE HEAR SOME GUYS HOLLERING. WE
LOOK OVER AT THE GOLF CART PATH AND HERE COMES JOHNNIE DRIVING OUR
STATION WAGON DOWN THE CART PATH. SHE PULLS UP BEHIND THE TEE BOX,
JUMPS OUT OF THE WAGON AND HANDS ME A SMALL PACKAGE. SHE SAYS I
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED YOUR SECRET WEAPON! SHE JUMPS BACK IN THE
STATION WAGON AND DRIVES OFF. I TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT THE GUYS
AND THEY ARE ALL STANDING THERE WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN STARRING AT
THE RETREATING WAGON AS JOHNNIE TAKES A SHORT CUT ACROSS THE
NUMBER TWO FAIRWAY ONTO THE PARKING LOT AND OUT ONTO THE STREET.
FINALLY SOMEONE SAYS
HOMER YOUR UP. HOMER SAYS I'M NOT TEE'ING OFF UNTIL I SEE WHAT
THIS SECRET WEAPON IS. “LOREN SHOW US!” WELL MY FACE AND MY GOLF
BALL ARE THE SAME COLOR. I SAY, “AW GUYS IT'S JUST JOHNNIE'S IDEA
OF A JOKE. LET'S PLAY GOLF.” “NO,” THEY SAY. “WE'RE NOT PLAYING
ANOTHER HOLE UNTIL YOU SHOW US THAT SECRET WEAPON.” SO I UNWRAP MY
PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH AND START EATING IT. “YOU MEAN THAT'S IT? A
PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.” “YEP,” I SAID. “I TOLD YOU IT WAS A
JOKE.”
WELL AFTER EVERYBODY
HAD A GOOD LAUGH WE WERE READY TO PLAY THE PAR 3 4TH HOLE. I WAS
LAST TO HIT AS USUAL AND WHEN I TEE'ED UP MY ORANGE BALL HOMER
SAID “LOREN WHY DON'T YOU RUB A LITTLE PEANUT BUTTER ON IT FOR
LUCK?” I KNEW HE WAS JUST TEASING ME BUT I TOOK THE SANDWICH
WRAPPER OUT OF MY GOLF BAG AND GOT A SMEAR OF PEANUT BUTTER OFF IT
AND RUBBED IT ON MY BALL. I SAID, “LOOK OUT GUYS HERE COMES A
GEIBERGER SPECIAL”. I TOOK A MIGHTY SWING AND HEARD A SATISFYING
CLINK AS THE CLUB'S SWEET SPOT HITS THE BALL. SHE FLIES STRAIGHT
AND TRUE. IT HITS ABOUT 8 FEET IN FRONT OF THE PEN, BOUNCED TWICE
AND ROLLED INTO THE CUP.
NO ONE MOVED.
NO ONE SAID ANYTHING. THEY ALL STOOD THERE AND WATCHED
THAT LITTLE ORANGE BALL DISAPPEAR INTO THE HOLE. THEN
HOMER VERY QUIETLY SAID, "A HOLE IN ONE." LONZO SAID, "A
HOLE IN ONE!" BRIAN SAID, "A HOLE IN ONE." DENNY SAID, "A
HOLE IN ONE?" I SAID,
|
"A HOLE IN ONE!!!!!!" |