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SHOOT THE MOON

By,

LOREN MOORE, KATHY BAKER

&

CLARA WERSTERFER

 

 

 

LOREN WRITES:

 

WELL, LOREN FINALLY DID IT.  HE DECIDED TO TAKE ONE OF THOSE BUS TOURS.  THE TOUR ITINERARY SAID THE FIRST NIGHT WOULD BE IN SAN ANTONIO.  THE GROUP WOULD HAVE SUPPER ON ONE OF THE BARGES, WHICH GO UP AND DOWN THE RIVER ALONG THE RIVER WALK.

 

 

 

 

EVENTUALLY, THE TOUR WOULD GO TO THE RIO GRANDE VALLEY AND INTO BROWNSVILLE.  THEN, BACK UP ALONG THE GULF COAST LINE, WITH SEVERAL STOPS ALONG THE WAY.

 

THE TOUR STARTED IN DALLAS, THEN CAME THROUGH ARLINGTON, WHERE LOREN BOARDED THE BUS.  IT WENT ON DOWN INTERSTATE 35 THROUGH AUSTIN, AND THEN MADE A STOP IN NEW BRAUNFELS FOR ANOTHER PASSENGER.

 

WHEN THIS PASSENGER GOT ON THE BUS, SHE WALKED DOWN THE AISLE TO THE FIRST EMPTY SEAT, WHICH HAPPENED TO BE THE ONE BESIDE LOREN.  HE STOOD UP AND LET HER HAVE THE SEAT BESIDE THE WINDOW.  JUST AS SOON AS SHE WAS SEATED, THE BUS MOVED ON.

 

THIS NICE LOOKING LADY THAT SAT DOWN BY LOREN TURNED AND SAID, “HI, MY NAME’S CLARA WERSTERFER.” 

 

BEFORE LOREN COULD SAY ANYTHING, THIS WOMAN IN THE SEAT IN FRONT OF HIM JUMPED UP ON HER KNEES AND SAID, “OH MY GOSH, I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!  IS THAT REALLY YOU CLARA?  I’M KATHY, YOU KNOW KATHY BAKER FROM THE COMPUTER?  WE’VE EMAILED BACK AND FORTH FOREVER.”

 

“OH, HI, KATHY, IT’S NICE TO FINALLY PUT A FACE WITH THE NAME OF A CYBER FRIEND.”  CLARA ANSWERED.

 

LOREN COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.  THERE HE SAT WITH TWO WOMEN HE’D BEEN IN CONTACT WITH ON HIS COMPUTER.  KATHY HUNG OVER THE BACK OF THAT SEAT ALL THE WAY TO SAN ANTONIO, YAKKING THE ENTIRE WAY.  HE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO TELL THEM WHAT HIS NAME WAS, OR THAT HE KNEW BOTH OF THEM.

 

WHEN THE BUS GOT TO SAN ANTONIO THEY CHECKED INTO THEIR ROOMS, AND THEN THE BUS WAS GOING TO TAKE THOSE THAT WERE INTERESTED, TO SEE THE ALAMO.  THE GROUP WAS STANDING IN THE LOBBY OF THE HOTEL; THE TOUR GUIDE WAS CALLING OUT NAMES ASKING WHO WANTED TO SEE THE ALAMO.

 

WHEN SHE GOT TO LOREN’S NAME SHE CALLED, “MR. LOREN MOORE, ARE YOU GOING TO THE ALAMO?”  HE SAW TWO HEADS POP UP, AND HERE CAME KATHY AND CLARA.

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

“For Pete’s sake, Loren!  You were sitting on the bus with us the entire trip, but you didn’t tell us who you were?  What is wrong with you anyway?  Are you out of your mind, or what?” demanded Kathy.

 

Loren started puffing up like a bullfrog and grumbled,  “I kept trying to tell you, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.  Don’t you ever come up for air?”

 

Kathy and Clara winked at each other; simultaneously they reached for Loren, one from each side, to give him a great big hug.  Just then he bent over to tie his shoe, the girls lost their balance, fell into each other’s arms, then crashed down on top of Loren.  They looked like a pile of entangled pick-up sticks!  The girls developed a terrible case of the giggles, while Loren moaned, groaned, and fussed.  Each time one of them began to get up, the three of them crashed to the floor again.  Loren kept complaining, and the girls kept laughing as they tried over and over to get back on their feet.

 

Suddenly, they became aware of the dead silence in the hotel lobby.  Thinking the tour had left without them, they looked around frantically, only to discover the entire group had moved to the other side of the room.  They were being studied as if they were aliens of some sort. 

 

“Just what is wrong with those people?”  Kathy remarked.  “Haven’t they ever witnessed an accident before?  It’s either that, or they have no clue how to have a good time.  I’m not sure I want to spend the rest of the afternoon with a bunch of stuffed shirts!  How ‘bout you guys?”  The three were still on the lobby floor discussing their options, when Clara spoke up.

 

CLARA WRITES:
 
“LISTEN, YOU GUYS.  WE DON'T HAVE TO GO WITH THAT BUNCH TO TOUR.  I USED TO WORK RIGHT HERE IN DOWNTOWN SAN ANTONIO, AND WE CAN JUST MAKE OUR OWN TOUR.  LET'S START WITH LUNCH ON THE RIVER, AND AFTER THAT, WE'LL JUST WING IT.”

 

LOCKING ARMS, AWAY THEY WENT, LADIES ON EACH SIDE, DRAGGING POOR LOREN DOWN THE STREET.  "NOW WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?”  YELLED LOREN. 

 

“WELL DON’T TELL US YOU DON'T LIKE MEXICAN FOOD, BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE'RE TAKING YOU,” SAID CLARA.

 

GRUMBLING AND PROTESTING ALL THE WAY THAT HE DIDN'T LIKE BEING HIJACKED THIS WAY, LOREN STILL WENT ALONG WILLINGLY.

 

THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT CASA RIO, WHERE THEY WERE GREETED WITH TALL GLASSES OF ICED TEA AND THE BEST CHIPS AND SALSA TO BE FOUND.  AN HOUR LATER, WITH STOMACHS FULL OF ENCHILADAS, THEY WERE READY TO SEE THE SIGHTS. "WHERE SHALL WE BEGIN?”  ASKED KATHY.

 

"I WANT TO SEE THE ALAMO," SAID LOREN.

 

“LET’S TAKE A BOAT RIDE ON THE RIVER,” PIPED KATHY.

 

"ALAMO FIRST!"  SAID LOREN.

 

“WE COULD GO TO THE TOWER OF THE AMERICAS,” SAID CLARA.  “OR SAVE IT FOR A NEAT PLACE FOR DINNER.  LET'S DECIDE.”

 

LOREN WRITES:

 

“LOOK, YOU TWO!  WE ARE SCHEDULED TO HAVE SUPPER ON ONE OF THOSE BOATS ON THE RIVER TONIGHT.  IT’S ALREADY PAID FOR IN THE COST OF THE TOUR.  I’M WILLING TO COMPROMISE, SO LET’S GO TO THE TOWER OF THE AMERICAS.”

 

THEY CAUGHT A CAB TO THE TOWER AND LOREN BEING THE GENTLEMAN HE WAS, PAID FOR THE CAB.  WHEN THEY GOT OUT OF THE CAB THEY WALKED AROUND THE BASE 0F THE TOWER, LOOKING AT THE SIX GLASS MOSAIC PANELS.  THE PANELS SHOWED SCENES OF INDIANS FROM NORTH AND SOUTH AMERICA.

 

 THEY TOOK THE ELEVATOR UP TO THE OBSERVATION DECK NEXT TO THE RESTAURANT.  FROM UP THERE THEY COULD SEE ALL THE WAY TO AUSTIN.  KATHY KEPT LOOKING DOWN, AND THEN SHE WOULD LOOK UP AT THE HIGH CLOUDS FLOATING BY.  ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE SAID, “I DON’T FEEL SO …" AND SHE UPCHUCKED ALL OVER THE DECK.

 

CLARA GRABBED HER BY ONE ARM, LOREN GRABBED HER BY THE OTHER ARM, AND THEY LED HER TO THE RESTAURANT.  THEY SAT HER DOWN AT A TABLE AND ORDERED HER A CUP OF HOT TEA.  CLARA HAD A CUP OF COFFEE AND LOREN HAD A CHOCOLATE MILK SHAKE.

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

“Yuck, that tea stinks!  Get it out from under my nose.  I just want some crushed ice to chew on, it’s good for settling an upset stomach.”

 

Loren started complaining right off the bat.  “Now you’ve ruined the rest of our day, Kathy.”  He didn’t show one bit of sympathy for someone that was sick as a dog, and Kathy noticed.  She just didn’t feel well enough to get into a knock down drag-out with him, not yet, that is!

 

“Now, Loren, take it easy on her,” Clara remarked gently.  “She can’t help it if she’s sick.  Maybe it was the height of the observation deck that got to her.”

 

Clara and Loren sipped their drinks, while Kathy munched away on her ice.  “Actually, I’d bet it was the Mexican food, although you guys seem fine.  I tell ya what, if you guys will get me back to the hotel, I’ll just go to bed for the rest of the day.  Surely by morning I’ll feel fine, and we’ll have a really special day.”

 

As they stood on the street corner waiting for a cab, it hit Loren and Clara at the same time.  They threw up simultaneously!  And as soon as Kathy got a whiff, it set her off again too.

 

 

CLARA WRITES:

ALWAYS PREPARED FOR ANY EMERGENCY, CLARA WHIPPED OUT THE WET WIPES FROM HER PURSE, ALONG WITH A ROLL OF TUMS.

 

"LET'S MOVE AWAY FROM ALL THIS MESS AT THE CURB, AND SEE IF WE CAN HAIL A CAB TO RETURN TO THE HOTEL," SHE SAID. "OUR DINNER TONIGHT IS OFF, AND MAYBE THE REST OF THE TOUR IF WE HAVE FOOD POISONING."

 

LOREN GRUMBLED, "NO WAY AM I GOING TO MISS A THING.  I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS TOUR AND I INTEND TO TAKE IT ALL."

 

"THEN TAKE IT BY YOURSELF, BIG BOY!  I AM SICK AS A DOG AND DON'T CARE ABOUT SEEING ANYTHING RIGHT NOW," PIPED KATHY.

 

"WHY DON'T WE WAIT UNTIL WE GET BACK TO THE HOTEL AND SEE IF WE FEEL ANY BETTER?"  SUGGESTED CLARA.

 

"NO!  I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE TONIGHT,  AND MAYBE NOT TOMORROW IF I DON'T FEEL BETTER!"  YELLED KATHY.

 

"THEN JUST GO ON BACK TO THE HOTEL AND SLEEP THE WHOLE TOUR AWAY.  I DON'T CARE.  YOU ARE ALWAYS A PAIN, WHATEVER WE DO," YELLED LOREN BACK AT HER.

 

FORTUNATELY, A CAB PULLED OVER BEFORE ANYONE GOT HURT.  THEY PILED IN, EACH ONE HOLDING A HAND FULL OF TISSUES FROM THE DEEP, DARK RECESSES OF CLARA'S OVERSIZED HANDBAG.  HOPEFULLY, NO ONE WOULD HURL IN THE CAB.

 

UPON ARRIVAL AT THE HOTEL, KATHY JUMPED FROM THE CAB AND MADE A RUN FOR THE TRASH CAN STANDING ON THE SIDEWALK.  SHE JUST MADE IT IN TIME TO AVOID ANOTHER MESS ON THE STREET.


LOREN WRITES:

 

“CLARA, YOU TAKE KATHY’S OTHER ARM AND LET’S SEE IF WE CAN GET HER UP TO HER ROOM BEFORE SHE THROWS UP IN THE LOBBY.  I THINK YOUR TUMS ARE HELPING ME.”  THEY GOT KATHY UP TO HER ROOM AND THEN LOREN AND CLARA WENT TO THEIR OWN ROOMS.

 

A LITTLE BEFORE TIME TO LEAVE FOR SUPPER ON THE RIVER BARGE, LOREN CALLED KATHY’S ROOM.  HE DIDN’T GET AN ANSWER, SO HE CALLED CLARA’S ROOM.  WHEN CLARA ANSWERED THE PHONE, HE ASKED HER IF SHE WAS FEELING LIKE GOING TO THE RIVER FOR THEIR SUPPER CRUISE.  SHE SAID SHE WAS, AND SHE HAD JUST TALKED TO KATHY, AND KATHY TOLD HER SHE WOULD MEET THEM IN THE LOBBY.

 

WHEN LOREN AND CLARA WENT DOWN TO THE LOBBY, THEY SAW KATHY TALKING TO THE TOUR DIRECTOR AT THE FRONT DOOR.  THE REST OF THE PEOPLE WERE LOADING ON THE BUS THAT WOULD TAKE THEM TO THE SUPPER BARGE.  KATHY, CLARA, AND LOREN WERE THE LAST THREE TO BOARD THE BUS, SO THEY DIDN’T GET TO SIT TOGETHER.

 

WHEN THE BUS GOT TO THE BARGE, THE TOUR DIRECTOR CALLED OUT FOUR NAMES. HE TOLD THEM TO BOARD THE BARGE, AND TAKE SEATS AT ONE OF THE THREE TABLES AT THE FRONT OF THE BARGE.  THEN SHE CALLED OUT FOUR MORE NAMES, AND TOLD THEM TO TAKE SEATS AT ANOTHER ONE OF THE FRONT TABLES.  NEXT SHE CALLED OUT FOUR MORE NAMES, AND KATHY AND CLARA’S NAMES WERE IN THAT FOURSOME.  SHE TOLD THEM TO TAKE THE OTHER FRONT TABLE.

 

SHE CONTINUED TO FILL THE TABLES IN THIS MANNER UNTIL THERE WAS ONLY TWO PEOPLE LEFT, AND LOREN WAS ONE OF THEM.  THEY WERE TOLD TO GO TO THE TABLE AT THE BACK OF THE BARGE.

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

“Clara, this is terrible.  Here we are enjoying dinner together, and Loren is stuck in the back of the barge like a second-class citizen or something.  Plus, just take a look at that gal he has to eat dinner with; she looks like a hooker to me!  Or maybe worse – what if she’s one of those chicks that slips drugs into drinks, and then picks pockets?”

 

Clara reached into her bag, and pulled out a pair of opera glasses.  “I never leave home without these.  Let me get a better look at that tramp!”

 

“Well, how does the situation look to you, Clara?”

 

“Not good, not good at all.  Loren is slugging down the wine, and has a stupid look on his face.  She’s already got him under her thumb.  We’ve got to do something, and do it fast,” stammered Clara.

 

Kathy popped up from her chair and quipped, “Just follow me.  I’ll take care of this before it has a chance to get out of hand.”

 

The two of them marched to the back of the barge, with the pretense of just saying “hello” to Loren.

 

“Hi girls,” Loren said.  He was already slurring his words, but he did manage to stand up for the introduction.  “I’d like you to meet Roxy Love.”

 

“Pleased to meet y’all,” she purred, just like a cat.

 

Clara and Kathy looked at one another and their eyes spoke volumes.  They had been right about Roxy from the moment they saw her.

 

Suddenly Kathy was hopping around like a bunny rabbit, insisting that something had bitten her.  She purposely lost her balance; crashed into Roxy, the purring cat lady, and knocked her overboard!

 

CLARA WRITES:


 

”OH!  MY GOODNESS!”  KATHY SCREECHED. “WHAT EVER HAVE I DONE?” 

 

CLARA YELLED TO THE DRIVER OF THE BOAT TO MAKE AN ABOUT FACE AND RESCUE POOR ROXY.  THE DRIVER COULDN'T HEAR HER OVER THE NOISE OF THE MOTOR, SO CLARA RAN SCREAMING ALL THE WAY TO HIM, AND ALERTING THE OTHER PASSENGERS.

 

THE DRIVER MADE A U TURN IN THE RIVER, AND HEADED BACK TOWARD ROXY.  EVERYONE WAS RUNNING TO THE SIDE OF THE BARGE WHERE ROXY HAD FALLEN OVERBOARD, AND THE BARGE WAS TILTING TO ONE SIDE.  PEOPLE WERE GRABBING LIFE JACKETS AND THROWING THEM INTO THE RIVER.  ROXY JUST KEPT TREADING WATER. THE RIVER IS NOT TOO WIDE OR DEEP, BUT NO ONE KNEW WHETHER OR NOT ROXY COULD SWIM.

 

THE BARGE DRIVER PULLED UP BESIDE ROXY AND THREW HER A LIFE PRESERVER.  HE THEN HUNG OVER THE SIDE AND PUT HIS ARMS AROUND HER.  SEVERAL OF THE MALE PASSENGERS WERE ABLE TO ASSIST HIM, BY REACHING FOR ROXY AND PULLING HER ON BOARD.

 

ONCE ROXY WAS ON THE DECK, WE ALL HAD A BIG SURPRISE.  ROXY'S DRESS WAS PLASTERED TO HER, ABOVE HER WAIST.  IT WAS EVIDENT THAT ROXY WAS NOT A WOMAN!

 

 

LOREN WRITES:
 

 

THAT PRETTY WELL BROKE UP THE BARGE RIDE AND SUPPER.  WHEN THE BARGE GOT BACK TO THE LANDING, CLARA AND KATHY GRABBED LOREN AND THEY WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL.  THEY SAW HIM TO HIS ROOM AND MADE SURE HE WENT TO BED. 

 

THE NEXT MORNING THEY WERE ALL ON THE BUS AGAIN HEADING FOR LAREDO, AND A SHOPPING TRIP ACROSS THE BORDER IN NUEVO LAREDO.  THEY GOT TO LAREDO ABOUT LUNCH TIME.  MINDFUL OF WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME THEY ATE MEXICAN FOOD, THE THREE OF THEM WENT TO LUBY'S CAFETERIA. 

 

AFTER THEY FINISHED LUNCH, THEY BOARDED A MEXICAN BUS THAT WOULD TAKE THEM TO A BIG MARKET PLACE IN NUEVO LAREDO.  MOST OF THE OTHER TOUR MEMBERS HAD ALREADY GONE.

 AS CLARA, LOREN, AND KATHY BOARDED THE BUS, THEY NOTICED THAT THE OTHER PASSENGERS WERE HOLDING ONTO THE HAND BARS ON THE BACK OF THE SEATS IN FRONT OF THEM.  THEY WERE HOLDING ON SO TIGHT, THAT THEIR KNUCKLES WERE WHITE.  AS THEY SAT DOWN, THE BUS STARTED WITH A JERK AND TWO BLOCKS LATER, CLARA, LOREN, AND KATHY HAD WHITE KNUCKLES ALSO.  IT SEEMS THAT MEXICAN BUS DRIVERS ONLY USE THE STEERING WHEEL AND THE HORN WHEN DRIVING.  THEY LOVE TO PLAY CHICKEN WITH OTHER DRIVERS.

 

WHEN THE BUS GOT TO THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIO GRANDE, EVERYONE GOT OFF TO WALK ACROSS THE BRIDGE.  THE BUS DROVE ACROSS, AND WAS WAITING FOR THEM WHEN THEY GOT TO THE OTHER SIDE.  THEN, THE BUS TOOK THEM TO THE BIG MARKET PLACE. 

 

LOREN BOUGHT A HAND TOOLED LEATHER BELT, WITH A BIG SILVER BELT BUCKLE ON IT.  THE WORD “HOMBRE” WAS ENGRAVED ON THE BELT BUCKLE.  CLARA BOUGHT SOME BEAUTIFUL SILK HEAD SCARVES, AND KATHY BOUGHT SOME SILVER COMBS.  LOREN WAS SO PROUD OF HIS NEW BELT, THAT HE TOOK OFF HIS OLD ONE AND PUT THE NEW ONE ON.  HE DID LOOK PRETTY SHARP WITH HIS COWBOY BOOTS, BLUE JEANS, AND NEW BELT.  NOW IF IT JUST WASN’T FOR THE JOHN DEER GIVE-ME CAP HE WORE … BUT THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.

 

AS THEY WERE WALKING BACK TO THE BUS, A MEXICAN BOY OF ABOUT 14 YEARS OLD CAME UP TO LOREN AND ASKED, “YOU WANT A DATE WITH MY SISSSTER?  SHE IS A VIRGIN, ONLY $9 FOR A DATE.  SHE IS PRETTY, NOT LIKE THESE TWO OLD DRIED UP PRUNES YOU HAVE HERE.”  AT THAT LAST DECLARATION LOREN GOT A BIG GRIN ON HIS FACE, BUT HE TOLD THE BOY NO.

 

HE TURNED TO GO, AND AS FAST AS A SNAKE STRIKING, THE BOY GRABBED LOREN’S JOHN DEER GIVE-ME CAP AND TOOK OFF RUNNING.  HE WAS AROUND A CORNER AND OUT OF SIGHT BEFORE LOREN COULD EVEN THINK ABOUT CHASING HIM.

 

THE THREE OF THEM MADE IT BACK TO THE BUS WITHOUT FURTHER INCIDENT, AND SAT THERE WAITING FOR THE REST OF THE SHOPPERS TO RETURN.

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

“Now, that was a great afternoon.  No one threw up on anyone, and the biggest problem we ran into was that kid stealing Loren’s ugly cap,” Kathy said with a smirk on her face.

 

“UGLY CAP?  Listen, woman!  That was my favorite cap and I’m just sick about it,” Loren whimpered.  He even had a tear in his eye.

 

Clara knew it was time to jump in before they were at each other’s throats again.  “Loren, cool your jets!  Can’t you tell when Kathy is trying to annoy you?”

 

“I’m not trying to annoy anyone, I’m simply stating a fact.  That was the ugliest cap I’ve ever seen! It was faded and it was too big anyway.  Didn’t you see how it sat on the top of his ears?”

 

“Announcement, announcement!” shouted the bus driver.  “We’ve got mechanical problems with the bus, so you must all depart.  There will be another bus here to pick you up in two hours.  Enjoy your extra time, and do a little more shopping.”

 

Clara had a smile the size of Texas, “I’m so excited!  I passed up a couple of items because we didn’t have much time left, and I hate making snap decisions.  Let’s get back to the shop where you bought those silver combs, Kathy.” 

 

The girls stepped off the bus, looked for Loren, and noticed he was walking the opposite direction.  His head was down and his shoulders were slumped.  Even from his backside, they could tell he was pouting.

 

“Come on, Clara!  I spotted a great hat in that shop, we’ll get it for Loren as a surprise.  He’ll be fine by himself – we’ll just take off without him.  The more pouting he does over his stupid cap and us running off without him, the more excited he’ll be when he gets a surprise gift.”

 

With a look of concern on her face, Clara asked, “Is it another John Deere cap like he had?  Does it say something different, or should I even go there?”

 

“I think I’ll just show you instead of telling you, we’ll be there in a jiffy.”  The look on Kathy’s face had Clara more than a little concerned. 

 

CLARA WRITES:

 

KATHY WAS GRINNING LIKE THE CAT THAT ATE THE CANARY.  SHE WALKED BACK TO THE REAR OF THE STORE, AND GRABBED A NEON GREEN CAP FROM THE RACK.  CLARA COULDN'T HELP BUT SMILE WHEN SHE READ THE VERSE:


”BEHOLD THE FISHERMAN,
HE LEAVES EARLY AND RETURNS LATE,
FULL OF ALE AND EMPTY OF TRUTH”

"OH!  KATHY!  THAT'S THE ONE FOR LOREN, BUT HOW DO WE KNOW THE SIZE?"

 

“WE'LL JUST HAVE TO GUESS AT IT.  CAN'T BE A WORSE FIT THAT THE ONE HE WAS WEARING!”  SAID KATHY.

 

AFTER THE PURCHASE WAS MADE AND CLARA FOUND THE SILVER NECKLACE SHE HAD ADMIRED BEFORE, BACK THEY WENT TO THE BUS.  IT WASN'T THERE YET, BUT LOREN WAS.


LOREN WRITES:

 

“HEY GIRLS, LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT ME.  IT’S A 10X GRADE STETSON HAT WITH A FLAT CROWN CREASE, AND IT ONLY COST $60 DOWN HERE.  BACK AT HOME THIS HAT WOULD COST $300.  DON’T YOU THINK IT GOES GREAT WITH MY BOOTS AND BELT BUCKLE?”

 

KATHY TOOK ONE LOOK AT LOREN’S NEW HAT AND REACHED HER HAND INTO THE SACK.  AS SHE WAS PULLING OUT THE NEON GREEN CAP, SHE GLANCED OVER AT CLARA.  CLARA WAS STANDING THERE STARING HER STRAIGHT IN THE EYES, AND SHAKING HER HEAD “NO!”

 

KATHY HESITATED FOR JUST AN INSTANT, THEN PULLED THE CAP OUT OF THE SACK AND PUT IT ON HER HEAD.  THEN SHE TOLD LOREN, “I BOUGHT ME A NEW CAP ALSO.  WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?”

 

LOREN TOOK ONE LOOK AT KATHY’S NEW CAP AND STARTED LAUGHING.  JUST THEN THE REPLACEMENT BUS DROVE UP, AND MAY HAVE SAVED LOREN’S LIFE.

 

LOREN, CLARA, AND KATHY BOARDED THE BUS AND TOOK SEATS AT THE FRONT OF THE BUS.  ALL THE OTHER SHOPPERS CAME RUNNING AND BOARDED THE BUS.

 

AS EACH ONE WENT DOWN THE AISLE THEY COULDN’T HELP SEEING KATHY’S CAP AND ITS VERSE.  THEY WERE ALL POINTING AT KATHY AND LAUGHING.

 

 

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

The bus was finally on its way back to Laredo, and the weary shoppers were headed back to their hotels. 

 

Many of them were napping; their laps piled high with packages.  Kathy, however, was sitting there as mad as an old wet hen.  Her surprise for Loren had been ruined, and total strangers had even laughed her at.  Not to mention, the air-conditioning on the bus wasn’t working.  But, hopefully it was in better repair than the other one had been.  It was a load of hot, weary passengers.  Some of them had opened windows, which did help slightly as the bus rumbled down the road.

 

“Clara,” whispered Kathy, as she nudged her.  “Look!  Loren is sleeping like a baby.”

 

His new hat was on his lap, but he had lost his grip on it when he dozed off.  In an instant, Kathy had reached across the aisle and lifted it with slight-of-hand, much like a magician.

 

“Oh good grief, what are you doing now, Kathy?”

 

“Just playing a little prank.  He deserves it after inciting such a ruckus over my cap.  How would you like an entire busload of people laughing at you?”

 

Very gently Kathy laid the neon green cap in Loren’s lap.  He was still sawing logs.

 As she was placing his hat on her head, Kathy said, “The look on his face will be priceless when he wakes up and sees me in his hat!”  She had just finished her statement when a gust of wind zoomed through the bus, picked up the beautiful new Stetson, and sucked it out the window. 

 

It seemed like slow motion as the women watched the hat floating through the air.  The bus had just crossed the Rio Grande River wind snatched the hat, and that’s exactly where it came to rest.  The last they saw of it was as it floated down the river.

 

“Hey, girls.  Guess I took a catnap.”  Loren was stretching and yawning.

 

CLARA WRITES:

 

LOREN LOOKED DOWN AT HIS HANDS.  “WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY NEW HAT?  WHAT IS THIS GREEN THING DOING HERE?”  HE BOOMED, HOLDING UP THE NEON GREEN CAP.

 

“NOW, NOW, LOREN.  DON'T GET MAD AND I'LL TELL YOU,” SAID KATHY.  “YOU KNOW THE WINDOWS ARE OPEN.  YOUR STETSON FLEW OUT THE WINDOW.”

 

“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?  YOU BOTH SAT HERE AND LET MY BRAND NEW HAT FLY OUT, AND DIDN'T TRY TO CATCH IT?  DID YOU AT LEAST ASK THE DRIVER TO STOP, SO YOU COULD GO AFTER IT?”

 

”NO!!!”  YELLED KATHY.  “I CAN'T SWIM THE RIO GRANDE, AND THAT'S WHERE YOUR STUPID HAT WENT.  IT’S GONE, LOREN, IT WENT BYE-BYE!” 

 

“LOREN, PLEASE CALM DOWN.  YOUR FACE
IS ALL PURPLE,” SPOKE CLARA.  “IT REALLY WAS ALMOST AN ACT OF GOD.”

 

”OH!  NOW YOU'RE GETTING IN THE ACT, AND TELLING ME GOD DOESN’T WANT ME TO HAVE A NEW HAT?  YOU THINK HE WANTS ME WEARING THIS GREEN THING ON MY HEAD?  THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN.  THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST TRIP OF MY LIFE!!!”

 

CLARA SPOKE SOFTLY, “NOW LOREN, YOU BEST RETHINK THAT.  YOU KNOW WE HAVE HAD FUN TOO.”

 

”YEAH,” SAID KATHY.  “WE HAD THAT NICE TRIP TO THE RIVERWALK AND A GOOD LUNCH.”

 

“WHICH I PUKED UP!”  GRUMBLED LOREN.


KATHY REMINDED HIM.  “WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE LOVELY DINNER ON THE RIVER BARGE?”

 

“WE WON'T EVEN GO THERE!”  SNAPPED LOREN, WITH FIRE IN HIS EYES.

 

“AND YOU GOT THAT PRETTY BELT BUCKLE TOO,” SAID KATHY.

 

“WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T ALL BAD.”

 

CLARA SPOKE UP,  “SEE, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WE HAD A GOOD TIME.  JUST LIKE THREE MUSKETEERS.”

 

“MOUSEKETEERS IS MORE LIKE IT!”  QUIPPED LOREN.

 

“OH!  THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TRIP TO DISNEYWORLD,” CHUCKLED CLARA.

 

 

LOREN WRITES:

 


LOREN THREW THE NEON GREEN CAP OUT THE WINDOW AND SAID, “YOU GO LOOK FOR MY HAT.”  THEN HE DIDN’T TALK TO KATHY THE ENTIRE RIDE BACK TO THEIR HOTEL.

 

THE NEXT MORNING, THEY WERE ON THE TOUR BUS ONCE AGAIN.  THIS TIME THEY WERE HEADED TO McALLEN.  WHEN CLARA AND KATHY BOARDED THE BUS THEY SAW THAT LOREN WAS ALREADY ON BOARD.  BUT, HE WAS NOT IN HIS USUAL SEAT.  HE WAS SITTING UP CLOSE TO THE FRONT OF THE BUS, LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.

 

AS CLARA AND KATHY GOT TO THEIR ASSIGNED SEATS, THEY SAW THIS LITTLE OLD LADY THAT HAD A RED BANDANA TIED AROUND HER NECK.  SHE HAD ON AN OLD FLOPPY BRIMMED HAT, WAS HOLDING A TIN CAN IN ONE HAND AND SHE WAS SITTING IN LOREN’S SEAT.  AS CLARA SCOOTED INTO HER SEAT, THIS OLD LADY SPIT A BROWN STREAM OF TOBACCO JUICE INTO THE CAN AND SAID, “HOWDY, MY NAME’S SADIE, AND I’M FROM ARKANSAS.”  IT WAS APPARENT THAT SADIE DIDN’T HAVE A TOOTH IN HER HEAD.

 

KATHY WAS UP ON HER KNEES LOOKING OVER THE TOP OF HER SEAT, AND SHE WAS STARTING TO TURN A LITTLE GREEN AROUND THE GILLS.  CLARA MOUTHED, “KATHY HELP.”

 

“SADIE WOULD YOU TRADE SEATS WITH ME TODAY, SO MY FRIEND AND I CAN VISIT?”

 

“WHY SURE.”  SAID SADIE, AS SHE SPIT IN HER TIN CAN AGAIN, AND THEN USED HER BANDANA TO WIPE THE BROWN JUICE OFF HER CHIN.

 

AS THE BUS ROLLED ALONG, THE TOUR DIRECTOR STOOD UP AND TOOK THE P. A. SYSTEM MICROPHONE IN HER HAND.  ”OK FOLKS IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT.  WHO WILL BE FIRST?  HOW ABOUT YOU MR. BEAVER?”

 

MR. BEAVER STOOD UP AND SAID, “I KNOW A COUPLE OF JOKES I CAN TELL.”  HIS WIFE GRABBED HIS SLEEVE AND PULLED HIM BACK DOWN IN HIS SEAT.

 

THEN SHE STOOD UP AND SAID, “HIS JOKES ARE NOT FOR MIXED COMPANY, AND HE WON’T BE TELLING ANY OF THEM.”

 

THE TOUR DIRECTOR TOOK THE MIC BACK AND SAID, “WELL, I GUESS WE WILL HAVE TO LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT.  HOW ABOUT YOU MR. MOORE?”  LOREN SCOOTED OUT INTO THE AISLE AND TOOK THE MIC.  WHEN CLARA AND KATHY HEARD LOREN’S NAME, THEY STOPPED TALKING AND LOOKED TO WHERE LOREN WAS STANDING.

 

LOREN STOOD THERE WITH HIS HEAD DOWN FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN LOOKED KATHY SQUARE IN THE EYES AND SAID, “MAIRZY DOATS, AND DOZY DOATS, AND LIDDLE LAMZY DIVEY.  A KIDDLEY DIVEY TOO, WOULDN’T YOU?”

 

THEN HE SAID, “IF THOSE WORDS SOUND QUEER AND FUNNY TO YOUR EAR, JUST SAY MARES EAT OATS, AND DOES EAT OATS, AND LITTLE LAMBS EAT IVY.”

 

“NOW EVERY BODY SING, MAIRZY DOATS, AND DOZY DOATS AND, LIDDLE LAMZY DIVEY.  A KIDDLEY DIVEY TOO, WOULDN’T YOU?  YES MAIRZY DOATS, AND DOZYS DOATS AND LIDDLE LAMZY DIVEY, A KIDDLE DIVEY TOO, WOULDN’Y YOU?”

 

BY THIS TIME LOREN WAS STOMPING HIS FEET AND CLAPPING HIS HANDS; EVERYBODY ON THE BUS WAS DOING THE SAME, AND SINGING AT THE TOP OF THEIR VOICE.  EVEN SADIE HAD SPIT OUT HER TOBACCO AND WAS SINGING.

 

LOREN SAT DOWN BUT THE SINGING DIDN’T STOP.  THE BUS CRUISED DOWN THE ROAD FOR THE NEXT HOUR WITH EVERYONE SINGING, CLAPPING THEIR HANDS, AND STOMPING THEIR FEET.  CLARA AND KATHY WERE CAUGHT UP IN THE MADNESS, AND THEY WERE SINGING ALONG WITH EVERYONE TOO.

 

KATHY WRITES:

 

“Ok, folks.  Watch your step as you depart the bus,” the driver said.

 

“Whew, that sing-a-long was really fun.”  Kathy was still snapping her fingers and tapping her toes, even after they were on solid ground again.

 

“Hey, where’s Loren?  Isn’t he off the bus yet,” she asked Clara.

 

Clara looked puzzled and just shook her head as if to say, “Who knows and who cares?”

 

“I better go see if he’s still on there.  He probably got to flirting with Sadie and doesn’t realize everyone else is off the bus.  She might be having ‘her way’ with him in the backseat or something.”  Kathy was laughing at the thought.  Sadie had been quite a sight, and quite a spitter too.

 

Once back in the bus, she spotted him face down in the aisle, moaning and groaning to beat the band.  “Oh, Kathy – thank goodness someone came looking for me,” he stammered.

 

“For Pete’s sake, Loren!  What are you doing on the floor, and what hurts?”

 

“Everything I’ve got hurts!  Can you help get me up?”

 

Kathy began pulling and tugging.  Loren was almost up on the first attempt, but his feet slid out from under him.  He crashed to the floor once again, and the sounds of pain he echoed were much like a wounded moose.

“Ok, Loren, let’s give it another try!  Keep your little tootsies UNDER your body this time, don’t let them go flying out in opposite directions again,” complained Kathy.

 

Oh, sweet success!  On the second attempt Loren was on his feet.  Kathy couldn’t help it – she was pointing at the disgusting brown stain on the front of his shirt and pants.

 

“Gross!  What’s all over you?  You expect us to walk around in public with you looking like that?  Plus, you don’t smell so great either!  Yuck, Loren!”

 

Then it all made sense.  Kathy looked at the floor, and there was a huge brown puddle.  Loren had slipped in Sadie’s “spitting spot” and was covered with tobacco juice, direct from her toothless mouth.

 

She flew off the bus, leaving Loren standing alone.  He was afraid to move for fear he’d slip again.  That juice was just like ice!

 

“Clara, Clara, you aren’t gonna believe this!  Loren is covered with Sadie’s tobacco spit.  We’ve got to get out of here – we can’t walk around town with him looking and smelling like that.”

 

 

CLARA WRITES:

 

POOR LOREN!  HE STEPPED OFF THE BUS WITH TOBACCO SPIT ALL OVER HIM.  IT WAS ON HIS SHINY NEW BELT BUCKLE, THE FRONT, AND BACK OF HIS PANTS, AND IN HIS BEAUTIFUL WHITE HAIR.  THERE WAS EVEN A SMUDGE ON THE TIP OF HIS NOSE! 

 

CLARA LOOKED ACROSS THE STREET AND A NICE, CLEAN LOOKING TEXACO STATION WAS ON THE CORNER.  “COME ON LOREN, WE ARE GOING TO GET YOU CLEANED UP.  KATHY, ARE YOU COMING WITH US?”

 

“WHAT THE HECK, I MIGHT AS WELL,” KATHY SAID.  “IF I DON'T, I WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.  WALKING OUT ON SOMEONE IN NEED, YADA, YADA, SO I’LL GO ALONG.

 

ARRIVING AT THE STATION, CLARA SAW A BIG PROBLEM.  WHICH RESTROOM DO WE USE?  DO WE TAKE HIM IN THE LADIES, OR DO WE GO WITH HIM TO THE MEN'S?  WE HAVE TO WASH HIS HAIR AND TRY TO GET THE SEAT OF HIS PANTS.

 

JUST THEN KATHY SPOTTED A WATER HOSE.  “HERE'S OUR ANSWER,” SHE YELLED.  “GET HIM OVER HERE AND WE'LL TAKE THE HOSE TO HIM.”

 

“NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!”  LOREN SPOKE UP.  “YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TURN THAT HOSE ON ME!”

 

“WELL, WHICH DO YOU PREFER?  WASHING OFF OR RUNNING BEHIND THE BUS BACK TO THE HOTEL?”  ASKED CLARA.

 

LOREN WALKED RATHER RELUCTANTLY TO THE HOSE.  KATHY TURNED IT ON AND BEGAN THE CLEANUP OPERATION.  CLARA REACHED INTO HER BOTTOMLESS PURSE FOR SOME WET WIPES TO WASH HIS FACE.  KATHY SPRAYED HIS PANTS, SHIRT, AND BACK OF HIS HEAD.  SEVERAL PEOPLE GATHERED TO SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

 

THEY WERE ALL LAUGHING AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS BEING WASHED OFF.  POOR LOREN STOOD THERE LIKE A WET DUCK, WHILE THE LADIES HAD THEIR WAY WITH HIM.  SOON HE BEGAN TO SMELL A LITTLE BETTER, BUT HE SURE LOOKED FUNNY WITH WATER DRIPPING FROM HIS HEAD AND CLOTHES.
 

 

LOREN WRITES:

 

WHEN THEY GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL, LOREN PUT ON SOME DRY CLOTHES.  THEY’D NOTICED THAT SADIE WASN’T ON THE BUS WHEN THEY WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL, AND THEY ASKED THE TOUR DIRECTOR WHERE SHE WAS.  THEY WERE TOLD THAT SADIE WOULD NO LONGER BE WITH THEM ON THE TOUR.  SADIE HAD BEEN TOLD TO FIND ANOTHER WAY HOME.

 

“WELL, I KINDA LIKED THE OLD GIRL.  IT WAS HER TOBACCO CHEWING AND SPITTING I DIDN’T LIKE.”  LOREN OFFERED.

 

KATHY AND CLARA SAID THEY WERE HAPPY SHE WAS GONE.  THE THREE OF THEM WENT ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE HOTEL TO A LITTLE FARMERS MARKET.  IT HAD 20 POUND BAGS OF GRAPEFRUIT, AND 2O POUND BAGS OF ORANGES, AND OTHER FRUIT AND VEGETABLES.

 

LOREN BOUGHT THREE 20-POUND BAGS OF GRAPEFRUIT AND THREE 20-POUND BAGS OF ORANGES.  HE GAVE CLARA AND KATHY A BAG OF GRAPEFRUIT AND A BAG OF ORANGES EACH, THEY WALKED BACK TO THE HOTEL TO PUT THE FRUIT IN THEIR ROOMS, AND HAVE A REST BEFORE SUPPER.  FOR SUPPER THEY WENT NEXT DOOR FROM THE HOTEL TO A DENNY’S RESTAURANT.

 

AS THEY SAT THERE EATING THEY TALKED ABOUT THEIR NEXT NIGHTS DESTINATION.  THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN CORPUS CHRISTI TOMORROW NIGHT.  THE THREE OF THEM WERE EXCITED ABOUT CORPUS CHRISTI BECAUSE THERE WAS SO MUCH TO DO AND SEE THERE.  THEY KNEW THEY WOULD HAVE TWO WHOLE DAYS IN CORPUS CHRISTI.  AND BESIDES THAT, THEY WOULD BE GOING THROUGH THE KING RANCH ON THEIR WAY.

 

THE NEXT MORNING WAS AN EARLY START DAY.  EVERYONE WAS TO BE OUT IN FRONT OF THE HOTEL WITH THEIR LUGGAGE BY EIGHT O’CLOCK.  THEY WERE ALL STANDING OUT ON THE SIDE WALK WITH THE TOUR DIRECTOR WAITING FOR THE BUS, WHEN THE BUS DRIVER CAME WALKING UP.

 

THE BUS DRIVER TOOK THE DIRECTOR BY THE ARM, WALKED HER OFF TO THE SIDE, AND HAD A QUITE CONVERSATION WITH HER.  SHE STEPPED BACK FROM HIM AND WE HEARD HER SAY, “I DON’T BELIEVE IT.”  HER FACE TURNED PALE AS SHE LOOKED BACK OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE BUNCH OF US STANDING THERE WAITING FOR THE BUS.

 

THE TOUR DIRECTOR WALKED BACK IN FRONT OF ALL OF US AND SAID, “FOLKS I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.  IT SEEMS THAT WHEN WE KICKED SADIE OFF THE TOUR, SHE CALLED HER DADDY. HE BOUGHT THE TOUR AGENCY AND HIRED A LOCAL MAN TO DRIVE THE BUS.  SHE HAS GONE ON BY HERSELF LEAVING ALL OF US STRANDED.  OUR BUS DRIVER AND MYSELF HAVE BEEN FIRED ALSO.

 

“IT SEEMS THAT SADIE’S FAMILY OWNS ONE OF THOSE DIAMOND MINES UP THERE IN ARKANSAS, AND THEY ARE MULTI-MILLION AIRES.”

 

 

  BY LOREN MOORE

COPYRIGHT 2005

 

 

LOREN

 GOTTA GO - SEE YA

 

 

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