UNTIL
DEATH DO US PART OR MY COMPUTER BREAKS DOWN, WHICH EVER COMES FIRST.
I AM A
BIGAMIST. I AM MARRIED TO 158 SOULS ON MY COMPUTER. THAT’S HOW
MANY NAMES AND ADDRESSES I HAVE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK IN OUTLOOK
EXPRESS.
MY WIFE
JOHNNIE ASKED ME WHY THEY WERE ALL WOMEN. I TOLD HER THAT’S BECAUSE
I’M HETEROSEXUAL. I’M NOT GAY. SHE SAID “I’LL HIT UR SEX YAL IF I
CATCH YOU SENDING LOVE NOTES TO ANY OF THOSE WOMEN.”
WELL
WITH THAT WARNING I’M VERY CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT AND WHEN I SEND EMAIL
TO THESE WOMEN. I TELL JOHNNIE THAT A LOT OF MY EMAIL TO THESE
WOMEN IS JUST BUSINESS. “YEAH, I KNOW.” SHE SAYS. “MONKEY
BUSINESS, JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.”
DERN
SHE’S HARD. SHE SNEAKS UP BEHIND ME AND LOOKS OVER MY SHOULDER AND
READS MY EMAIL WHILE I’M TYPING IT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW SHE’S THERE
UNTIL “WHACK” I’VE GOT A KNOT ON MY HEAD.
THE
OTHER DAY I WAS EMAILING JENNY AND WE WERE JUST TEASING EACH OTHER.
I HAD JUST CALLED HER SWEET THING AND “WHACK” ANOTHER KNOT ON MY
HEAD.
I’M
THINKING ABOUT PUTTING A BELL AROUND JOHNNIE’S NECK, LIKE THEY DO
CATS TO KEEP THEM FROM SNEAKING UP ON BIRDS. BUT SHE PROBABLY WON’T
GO FOR THAT. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST PUT A LOCK ON THE DOOR. BUT SHE
WON’T GO FOR THAT EITHER. I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL
ABOUT WHAT I SAY AND WHEN I SAY IT.
OUT OF
THE 158 NAMES IN MY ADDRESS BOOK ARE GIRL FRIENDS, OPS LET ME
REPHRASE THAT, FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS (WOW NO WHACK THAT TIME)
FROM TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, WASHINGTON STATE, ARIZONA, ARKANSAS, ILLINOIS,
FLORIDA, VIRGINIA, WEST VIRGINIA, MICHIGAN, AUSTRALIA, GUAM, INDIA,
MEXICO, CANADA, LOUISIANA AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER PLACES I CAN’T
EVEN THINK OF RIGHT NOW.
I SEND
ALL OF THEM MY LITTLE TALES OF MY ADVENTURES AND THEY ALL SEEM TO
ENJOY THEM. THE FEED BACK I GET FROM THEM WHEN I SEND A STORY IS
LIKE FOOD FROM THE GODS TO ME.
WHEN YOU
GET TO BE AN OLD MAN LIKE ME IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
WHEN ONE OF THESE GIRLS TAKES TIME TO SEND ME A NOTE, IT IS ALMOST
AS GOOD AS SEX USE TO BE. WOW, DID I JUST USE THE “S” WORD.
IN MY DAY, THAT WORD WAS NEVER SPOKEN OUT LOUD IN MIXED COMPANY.
BUT I’M
BORING YOU WITH ALL THIS. I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR
SPENDING THE TIME TO READ MY TALES. THEN I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT
WHAT PAMELA AND I SAID TO ONE ANOTHER…… BUT NO THAT’S A WHOLE
NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.
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