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UNTIL DEATH DO US PART

 

                          

 

 

 

 

 

UNTIL DEATH DO US PART OR MY COMPUTER BREAKS DOWN, WHICH EVER COMES FIRST.

   

I AM A BIGAMIST.  I AM MARRIED TO 158 SOULS ON MY COMPUTER.  THAT’S HOW MANY NAMES AND ADDRESSES I HAVE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK IN OUTLOOK EXPRESS.

   

MY WIFE JOHNNIE ASKED ME WHY THEY WERE ALL WOMEN.  I TOLD HER THAT’S BECAUSE I’M HETEROSEXUAL.  I’M NOT GAY.  SHE SAID “I’LL HIT UR SEX YAL IF I CATCH YOU SENDING LOVE NOTES TO ANY OF THOSE WOMEN.”

   

WELL WITH THAT WARNING I’M VERY CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT AND WHEN I SEND EMAIL TO THESE WOMEN.  I TELL JOHNNIE THAT A LOT OF MY EMAIL TO THESE WOMEN IS JUST BUSINESS.  “YEAH, I KNOW.”  SHE SAYS.  “MONKEY BUSINESS, JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU.” 

   

DERN SHE’S HARD.  SHE SNEAKS UP BEHIND ME AND LOOKS OVER MY SHOULDER AND READS MY EMAIL WHILE I’M TYPING IT.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW SHE’S THERE UNTIL “WHACK” I’VE GOT A KNOT ON MY HEAD.

   

THE OTHER DAY I WAS EMAILING JENNY AND WE WERE JUST TEASING EACH OTHER.  I HAD JUST CALLED HER SWEET THING AND “WHACK” ANOTHER KNOT ON MY HEAD.

   

I’M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING A BELL AROUND JOHNNIE’S NECK, LIKE THEY DO CATS TO KEEP THEM FROM SNEAKING UP ON BIRDS.  BUT SHE PROBABLY WON’T GO FOR THAT.  MAYBE I SHOULD JUST PUT A LOCK ON THE DOOR.  BUT SHE WON’T GO FOR THAT EITHER.  I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY AND WHEN I SAY IT.

   

OUT OF THE 158 NAMES IN MY ADDRESS BOOK ARE GIRL FRIENDS, OPS LET ME REPHRASE THAT,  FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS (WOW NO WHACK THAT TIME)  FROM TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, WASHINGTON STATE, ARIZONA, ARKANSAS, ILLINOIS, FLORIDA, VIRGINIA, WEST VIRGINIA, MICHIGAN, AUSTRALIA, GUAM, INDIA, MEXICO, CANADA, LOUISIANA AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER PLACES I CAN’T EVEN THINK OF RIGHT NOW.

   

I SEND ALL OF THEM MY LITTLE TALES OF MY ADVENTURES AND THEY ALL SEEM TO ENJOY THEM.  THE FEED BACK I GET FROM THEM WHEN I SEND A STORY IS LIKE FOOD FROM THE GODS TO ME.

   

WHEN YOU GET TO BE AN OLD MAN LIKE ME IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE ME HAPPY.  WHEN ONE OF THESE GIRLS TAKES TIME TO SEND ME A NOTE, IT IS ALMOST AS GOOD AS SEX USE TO BE.  WOW, DID I JUST USE THE “S” WORD.  IN MY DAY, THAT WORD WAS NEVER SPOKEN OUT LOUD IN MIXED COMPANY.

    

BUT I’M BORING YOU WITH ALL THIS.  I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR SPENDING THE TIME TO READ MY TALES.  THEN I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT PAMELA AND I SAID TO ONE ANOTHER……  BUT NO THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.

 

 

               

  BY LOREN MOORE

COPYRIGHT 2002

LOREN

 SEE YA

 

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